All this while
I was demeaning myself?

I didn't know...
But now I do...
Maybe you are right... I don't function normally.

Prince Charming, Rachita's SC and Memories...

I am finally home after a 12 hour bus journey and the journey was spent with me being in three different moods in the three parts of the journey...

Part 1: Prince Charming and his Former Princess
I was nearly crying and heavy at heart because I realised that he is still the Prince Charming, it is just that I am not the Princess anymore. How I miss that boy and his smile. He could light up my entire universe! I keep trying to tell him to hang on but he is moving on and I don't have the right to stop him.
'I think about you now and then... I think about us now and then... hey I'm coming home again..'
I really am... Just wait for a few months more...

Part 2: Rachita's Post
The second part of the journey was spent thinking about Rachita's latest post which is called SC.
The post is just so heartwarming. I mean someone gets a girl Chilly Peppers and tells her I've got the hots for you... here I go again.. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
That is what I like about men... when they are in the zone they know exactly how to melt our lil hearts... sigh... :D
And the last ending line of the post which talked about 'letting the person know how you feel so that you never regret later' was exactly what I believe in. My thought is that I have an opportunity to tell someone that they are missed and that every morning there is someone loving them and praying for them, then why shouldn't I?
I can deal with no response but I cant deal with the fact that my someone didn't know that I cared. Of course I do end up looking very silly at times... And at times when I am in my weaker phases I feel sad. But all in all I am fine and happy.
I had the good times... they'll come again. :D

Part 3: Memories
The third part was an off shoot of what Rachita was talking about. And I started reminiscing about all the times boys who've cared about me have done crazy or plain simple mushy things for me.
I remembered how P, the day he'd asked me out had been circling my house in his car from 630 in the evening till 1130 in the night, waiting for me to be free to meet him because I was working on some competition. He had then taken me out for a looong drive and had eventually over a plate of hot Poha and tea asked me out. He was my first love. And my forever best friend. He's my lazy knight in shining armour who is an alcohol guzzling-woman loving-bear! :D
The number of scams he's pulled on me are just not countable anymore. He once convinced me that one of his friends was adopted and then promptly forgot that he had said something like this to me. A year later when I casually asked him about it his reaction was "Khadu is ADOPTED"
Me: You told me he's adopted!
Him: ummm... Was I scamming you? I am confused.
Sigh... :D And this conversation continued.

I remembered how R had asked me out at 3 in the morning over the phone (because I was super impatient and wanted to know right then what it is that he had to say) while I was in mussoorie. I state that that was the most romantic 'asking out' in the history of asking outs!!
And he'd come to meet me the moment I was back and while I was waiting had gone all over his area looking for Beer because he had promised that we'll have some when I met him! I still am not sure where he got the bottles considering all shops were closed that day.. He was my Superman!
I also remembered how my crazy LOTR loving R had gifted me a huge silver LOTR style ring which till date hasn't left my finger. It is now a reminder for me of all the good times that I had had and a hope that there will be more someday.
And of course the best memory of all is when after I'd thrown a chotu tantrum for some silly reason, R had gone out and bought me the Essential Johnny Cash CD and slipped it into my bag.... He always just knew what to do.
He knew that he just had to smile when I was angry and all would be well again in my land..
Ohh there's more... He had also once scared the crap out of me by impersonating a crazy fanatic! He kept following me around and saying weird things in high pitched voice till I was so scared that he had to stop!
Hehe... Initially when we had started dating no one knew about us but still he used to come to drop me back. And one day my Dad was waiting for me right outside my house and he saw us! I swear even I thought my gentle Dad might shoot him. R definitely thought that :D

Memories are what is left of those days and I keep them in my heart at all times. To remind me that there is always hope. That there is love and people who believe in them.
If only... No.. today isn't the day for 'if only's'. Today I will look at the bright side.
Today I will let the memories take me to a better place.
Tomorrow I'll be stronger and face the reality. :)

And finally my bus was in Hyderabad and I was struggling with my bag which sadly was stuck in the aisle
Did I ever tell you guys that I always fall in buses? Like in the aisle. I go splat!! :D

SOS

I am soooooooooooooo angry!!

My prince charming is acting like a FROG!!!

Maybe he needs a kiss...

why why why am I here while my Prince Charming is there!!
It is a national emergency.. I have to save him before he turns into a frog again... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..

any suggestions as to what I can do????
SOS..

I am...

Chaos.

Love.

Freedom.

Hope.

Rage.

I am...

Yours.

My father's pride.

My mother's dream.

I am...

Known.

Unknown.

I am...

Broken.

Hurt.

Searching.

I am...

Healing.

Still searching.

Fighting.

I am...

Waiting.

Confused.

Dreaming.

I am...

somebody

I am...

No one.

Rono's visit :)

Couple of days back I got a call from a guy who came to know me through my blog and a mutual friend.
Now Rono is a lawyer in Kolkata and graduated from Symbi Law. He was back in pune visiting his old gang of friends and decided to meet me too.. :)

Not only did he meet me but so did his (nearly) whole gang. Sam, Karan, Jeetu, Shaks, Anupama... Of course Bikram was missed and talked about alot!! (chuckles!!)
Let me just say that I honestly havent met a more friendly and fun bunch in a long long time!! They were funny, talented and full of life!

I was introduced to all at 2 in the afternoon and by 3 I was already cracking jokes with them... And that for me is an achievement. I take a lot of time to get comfortable around strangers let alone crack jokes! The highlight of the day according to me was when I heard these guys jam at Anupama's place.

Sam and Karan's voice and Rono's beats (and rono, you do sing well!!) and I was lifted... spirit and all... It was an experience to hear Sam and Karan sing in harmony and play around with Raags. It was an honour to be able to witness a friendship of this sorts between these guys. I was touched by their history together and by their easy acceptance of strangers.

And I was also pleasantly surprised by their interest to hear me sing... I promise you guys that next time(I hope there is a next time ) I meet you all I will learn that Norah Jones song and sing it... :)

Thank You Rono for meeting me and introducing me to such a fine bunch of people. You gave me an excellent memory! And now make sure you mail me those pics... :)

I will never...

I will never learn to 'play hard to get'

I will never hide how I feel

I will never stop loving

I will never blame

I will never stop hoping

I will never stop missing

I will never stop dreaming

I will never stop writing

I will never stop trying to stop all contact

I will never ever be able to end contact

I will never stop praying that he sees the change and asks me back

I will never mail those letters

I will never regret having him

I will never stop regretting how I behaved when I had him

I will never let myself be immature again

I will never stop wondering

I will never stop telling him that I am there

I will never stop being a fool

I will never give up

I will never give in

I will never stop myself from getting hurt

I will never stop him from leaving

I will never disappoint him again

I will never act like an idiot if he came back

I will never stop expressing even my sappiest of emotions on this blog

I will never down play my own self in my eyes again

I will never stop believing in who I am

I will never think I dont deserve what I have

I will never scream on the phone again no matter how angry I am

I will never ever think that P doesnt care

I will never take P or any of my other friends' for granted

I will never get seriously jealous again

I will never hurt myself or loathe myself

I will never put all the blame on me and me alone

I will never stop singing

I will never stop loving my parents

I will never stop cherishing my brothers

I will never lose Ree

I will never forget

I will never lose sight of who I am and who I want to be

I will never over expect from myself

I will never forget to b happy with the little things

I will never compete unnecessarily

I will never get lost in the crowd

I will never be scared to get lost

I will never take my dreams and goals for granted

I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU THE WAY I HAD PROMISED

I will show you that I love myself now and I am still the one you had met

I will....

And I am praying hard for my miracle... I am.... :)

My candle and My hopes...

I am sitting under the light of a solitary candle in my room... I am all alone... with music playing in the background... Rachael Yamagata crooning as to how she'll find a way to see him again... And soon Nitin Sawhney will grace me with Nostalgia..
And I am at peace with myself..
I am happy and suddenly content...

Things aren't perfect but then I have never expected them to be...

whatever has happened has made me learn... And I have a feeling that everything will just be beautiful now...

As I said I am happy... The warmth of the candle is washing over me and I am missing but not hurting... I am hopeful and dreamy eyed... Again... =D

I got TAGGED..

The Song tag! Think..Nostalgia and music! Finish the list and then tag three people to do it!

1. Song most listened to during school years: Numb by Linkin Park (the piano version).. yes yes.. I was slightly angst ridden =), Travelin Soldier by Dixie Chicks

2. Song during college years: Drops of Jupiter by Train

3. Song during first love: Always by Bon Jovi

4. Song during first heartbreak: Emotions by Destiny's Child, I wish you Love by Rachael Yamagata

5. Song for all seasons: Hey Jude by The Beatles, What am I to you by Norah Jones, Hurt by Johnny Cash

6. Song you'd headbang to: soem stuff by Pink Floyd and Gun's and Roses..

7. Song you'd dance to: .Rise up by (i dunno who) and Get Low by Flo-rida

8. Song for gymming: Gymming n mE?? hehehe...

9. Song for long walks: Norah Jones and Rachael Yamagata

10. Song for drives: The End by The Doors and Bob Marley

11. Song for mornings: Sunrise by Norah Jones

12. Song for parties: David Guetta and Bob Sinclair

13. Song when stressed: I'll Find a Way by Rachael Yamagata

14. Song when cheerful: Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows

15. Song when romantic:I'd Love you to want me by LObo, You and Me by Lifehouse

16. Song when mad as hell:There are way too many... umm..

17. Song that you'd serenade a girl/guy with:Chasing cars by snow patrol, Stay with you by john legend, save me from myself by Christina Aguilera

18. Song you'd like to be seranaded with:Inside out by Bryan Adams, Chasing cars by snow patrol and ALways by Bon jovi, Rose of my heart by Johnny Cash

19. Song you'd dedicate to any person in the world:Together by Michelle Branch To Ree

20. Song of a legend:Hurt by Johnny Cash, I walk the line by Johnny Cash

21. Song that others connect you with:Travelin Soldier by Dixie Chicks, Tonight the heartache's on me by Dixie Chicks

22. Song that best describes you:The Long way around by Dixie Chicks, Born to fly by Sara Evans


People I tag to do this:
1. Rohit
2. Impressionist
3. Raghav

=D

Chasing cars... Snow Patrol.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's
bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's
bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes,
they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never
change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
just forget the world?

these are beautiful...

I have been reading Postsecret since a couple of years now and recently I started saving my favourite secrets... The following secrets are ones that touched my soul.. Some I relate to and some are just plain beautiful..
Btw the first secret had one more line to it at the back saying 'even if you cant'

What if...

Why was I in love with you?
Why did I fall in love with you?
What was it that made me believe in us so much?

Maybe because I saw and I felt that you were just like me.
from the inside you were all that I was.
Passionate
Dreamy
Hurt
At times scared of your own emotions
And the power they have to create chaos

Maybe because I saw that you were a child inside..
Just like me

Happy with the little things..
Excited just to see a smile..
Bored easily..
Laughing over things that made no sense sometimes.

But distance killed us didn't it?

We were two little kids needing each other like a security blanket
but so confused as to how to provide that warmth
when living so faraway...

Two little kids so full of love and hope
but so confused as to how to convey it...

I hurt you. You hurt me.
I know you loved me.
I know you don't anymore.
I believe you. All your words.

But what if we were close?
What if I still was there with you
everyday sharing those small inconsequential
details of our daily lives that made us happy?
still sharing those jokes only we understood..
The movies... the DEAD zone... the Dream catcher...

What if I hadn't left?

Why do I feel like you would have been mine forever.. then?

Why do I feel like I lost something extremely extremely important?

That I messed up what was meant to be...

Like I was about to reach that perfect place and fell short of a mile...

And yes I know I'll move on...
everyday the tragedy and the pain would seem a lil less..
And I haven't stopped laughing. or Crying.
And life doesn't stop through anything.
Birth. Death. Heartbreak.
But something is missing now.
Something has left me and who I was
And it is not coming back.

Call me a fool if you must.

But I did believe that you were my lobster.

You are a child at heart...
And how I wanted to protect you.
And I am a child..
So in need of your protection.

Together we were...
Comfortable..
In each others presence.
Happy to just be around
With no need to really say anything.

I just needed to come back...
And I will be back.
I will see you again...
Put on a smile. Ask about your life.
Not let you know how much I wish I was part of it.
I pray that you will be happy.
Pray for me too..

But what if ... what if I hadn't left???
Don't you see too that things would have been different?

Don't you see...
I just needed to come back...