Thursday, 26 January 2012

Understanding me...

It is an odd predicament.
The concept of commitment...

Met an older brother (cousin) tonight. A really really fun guy ! Had some super entertaining conversation and then somewhere the question of commitment popped up.
He exclaimed how it doesn't quite exist. Or rather how highly undefined this word is. Sadly (or maybe it isn't so sad - can't figure out my feelings about it yet) I couldn't disagree with him. I could not stand back and argue passionately about the existence of commitment like I used to a few years back.

I have, after all, become a person who has no trust issues simply because she has no reason to trust.

I have a shell. Actually a box. Many a times on this blog I have mentioned it. Earlier I used to run into that box to hide. It used to be a box with minimal decor and no place to sit. I used to crouch on the floor then, waiting for my personal storm to pass.

Today it is a well settled, nicely done box. It has all the things I need to settle into it comfortably. So now I casually stroll in anytime I want. I don't run. I walk in because I want to. Because I have nothing more to give to anyone and nothing at all to run from.

I am not cold. I am completely the opposite. But this trust of mine and this love I have, I don't intend to give out so soon. Love restricted to just mere words in moments of intensity or passing remarks, isn't love at all. It is just what everyone wants to hear. Or something that is said to make the self feel better.
Love that is displayed through actions and love that you can say 'I love you too' to is the real deal.

Maybe the sign that I have evolved comes from the fact that I am not afraid anymore that I may not find that real deal. I am not worried that I do not know what in the world does commitment mean.

And I am finally out of all the things in my mind I had to burn.

'When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire' (a line from the song 'Your ex-lover is dead' by the Stars :)

Monday, 16 January 2012

Blogs and people...

Discovering new blogs is like discovering new people.

Long time ago when I had just started this blog and it still had a funny blog address name, I used to read the blog of Da. I was in awe of him. One day I got the opportunity to see him in person. He was the Chair at a practice session of Model UN and I was a newbie participant. It was like a fan seeing her idol for the first time :D.
Da didn't know then that I used to read his blog on a regular basis. Eventually he started reading my blog too. And we became friends. From then on I think I have told him every single thought - abstract or rational - that has passed through my head. In ways I think he has seen me evolve as a human being.
He is still someone I admire. A man so sorted in the head that you might think he has lived a hundred years. :)
A man I will always looked up to.

Recently I have come across another blog which has left a deep impact. Again because she writes like a dream. She writes unpretentiously. I may never know the person but her words are like a mirror into who she might be. And sometimes words soothe a worried mind.

Friday, 13 January 2012

for my 24th year :)

I don't make resolutions.
I hate the entire thought of it.
But being such a contradiction, I do set some goals for myself on my birthday.
When we enter the 14th day of January, I turn 24 years old.
And I am far from what I thought I would be like when I was 14 :)
The 14 year old me would be both scandalized and proud of me if she saw me today!

So today I want to make a list of things I want to do and a list of rules I want to follow in my 24th year ! Some maybe too abstract but I am sure when the time comes I'll make sense of it :)

1. Have faith in myself.

This is something I should probably wake up in the morning and repeat to myself like a 100 times! A friend told me a few weeks back (and I am sure if my friend is reading, he would probably chuckle) about how I have confidence and I have content but I just don't have conviction. THAT is what I need ! I need to have some faith in who I am. Keeping oneself in check is one thing but what I tend to do is called bulldozing one's faith into a pulp and then a lil bit more just to make sure ! This has to change.

2. Rise above paranoia.

I am an optimistic person. But my optimism comes with truckloads of mentally crippling moments of 'what ifs' and 'worst case scenarios'. I HAVE to rise above that. YES it is possible that my boss may hate my presentation, might even say it is CRAP and YES it is possible that the man I am in love with may cheat on me.
But I cannot do anything beyond a point. I can work hard and create a presentation that I think is great. I can love honestly and if I find that my love has been compromised, I can walk out with dignity. But I cannot see the future (that too the most horrible one) and lose my sleep over it. That is just NOT the way to live.

3. LOVE every single thing I do.

If I am sitting and doing nothing, I need to love that.
I actually managed to do that quite a bit in my 23rd year. I set up a rented house in Bombay and LOVED every second of it. I walked around aimlessly and loved that too. I just need to continue doing that :)

4. Take chances.

Life is short. I know it sounds cliched but hell it is so true. And if I am the kind of person who feels the need to do too many things in this life well then I need to just go ahead and do it. YES I want to work with a developmental organisation working for social profit and YES I love advertising as well. This year will be about finding a balance and charting a plan to do both. Somewhere I will squeeze in my desire to learn photography, spanish, writing etc etc. PHEW. I have a LOT of work to do :)

5. Fall in love.

Love is a strong feeling. And I want to feel it. I want to feel the rush and the withdrawal. I want to rise high and fall far below. I want to get dizzy in romance and laugh myself silly. I think I am on my way to this :)
X, are u listening? ;)

6. Learn to appreciate.

This is a life long learning process for me. I have to learn to appreciate constantly the little things. Things my parents do. Things that other people do. Things that happen around me. There is alot to see and hold and love. All I need to do is keep my eyes and ears open !

7. Teach.

I discovered in my 23rd year that someday I would love to teach. And then I realised that I don't need to wait. Teaching and learning happen around us all the time. If someone needs to learn and I can help, then I will rise to the occasion. And I am sure there will always be someone around to teach me as well :)

8. Accept defeat.

Gut instincts aren't always right. I have learnt this the hard way. And I accept defeat. I will always accept my faults and failures. It is important to do so. It is important to say sorry.

9. Letting go.

This is the hardest rule. I have never let anyone go. NEVER. Not the first boy who broke my heart to pieces. Not the girl who I idolized but she crushed my confidence. Not the guy who led me on to believe many things but never followed through. I am friends with everyone. And happily so. But sometimes I have to understand that people don't want to know me anymore. That is when I should give them space and let go. I lost some very wonderful people from my life this past year and I just want to say to them I fought for you all but you all won.

10. Give space. Everyone doesn't want to share everything, everytime.

Every story has a reason and sometimes people don't want to share every story from a life before me. I should accept that and make myself understand that just because they don't want to share doesn't mean that they are hiding something.

NOW the fun to-do list

1. HAVE to buy that dslr already! no seriously!
2. NO postponing writing. write write write!
3. Stationery is never enough. got to get some more :P
4. PLEASE get that driver's license this year.*note to self*
5. I have to get healthy. Expanding in the way that I am will get me nothing but a bad heart (physically) and make me spend tons of money on clothes! So hitting the gym this year!
6. Have to see - Mcleodganj, Leh, Kerala and all the beaches in Maharashtra and Goa this year. THIS is super important!
7. I have to start singing again. :)

Okie as of now I think this is it. But I am sure I will keep adding more rules for myself as time goes by.

Happy Birthday to me! (In exactly 18.5 hours)

Saturday, 7 January 2012

fear of being real, plague many... fear of accepting change, plague many... fear of acknowledging new events in their lives in a crowd, plague many...

And there are a few individuals who have no patience for this category of 'many'.