Thursday, 26 January 2012

Understanding me...

It is an odd predicament.
The concept of commitment...

Met an older brother (cousin) tonight. A really really fun guy ! Had some super entertaining conversation and then somewhere the question of commitment popped up.
He exclaimed how it doesn't quite exist. Or rather how highly undefined this word is. Sadly (or maybe it isn't so sad - can't figure out my feelings about it yet) I couldn't disagree with him. I could not stand back and argue passionately about the existence of commitment like I used to a few years back.

I have, after all, become a person who has no trust issues simply because she has no reason to trust.

I have a shell. Actually a box. Many a times on this blog I have mentioned it. Earlier I used to run into that box to hide. It used to be a box with minimal decor and no place to sit. I used to crouch on the floor then, waiting for my personal storm to pass.

Today it is a well settled, nicely done box. It has all the things I need to settle into it comfortably. So now I casually stroll in anytime I want. I don't run. I walk in because I want to. Because I have nothing more to give to anyone and nothing at all to run from.

I am not cold. I am completely the opposite. But this trust of mine and this love I have, I don't intend to give out so soon. Love restricted to just mere words in moments of intensity or passing remarks, isn't love at all. It is just what everyone wants to hear. Or something that is said to make the self feel better.
Love that is displayed through actions and love that you can say 'I love you too' to is the real deal.

Maybe the sign that I have evolved comes from the fact that I am not afraid anymore that I may not find that real deal. I am not worried that I do not know what in the world does commitment mean.

And I am finally out of all the things in my mind I had to burn.

'When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire' (a line from the song 'Your ex-lover is dead' by the Stars :)

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