Wednesday, 26 August 2009

I am desperately trying to recount everything that happened last evening.. I am desperately trying recount every word that left my mouth... And I am exhausted...

I have fucked things up and I dont completely think I am wrong... I want to go back to pune... I want my friends P, U, M, C, G, Swas and shreeya... I want to hide myself in P's blanket and have him laugh at my stupidities... I want C to tell me that I am overreacting and behaving like a blonde... I want M to sympathesize and G to make fun of me... I want them to crack nasty jokes and I want to throw a tantrum... I want to dance with U and C and see the sunrise... I want Swas to come back... I don't want Swas to leave... I want shreeya to convince me about things I have stopped believing in.. I never should have left Pune.. I am still the caterpillar and I was forced out of my cocoon... I am not ready... I don't understand people and their sentiments... And I don't understand when to talk and when to shut up... I need my guys who didn't care... who understood my follies and loved me anyways... who made me cry and made me laugh but never left me...

I am alone the second time round... And I feel the same pain... the same pain I felt when you left the first time... I am not smart enough or strong enough to deal with this... I am not intelligent enough to understand why you've left... My head is buzzing with static...

I need my guys and Swas... or I WILL go insane... there is nothing for me here in Delhi... Nothing at all... and I HATE THIS PLACE...

10 comments:

Mihir said...

hmmmmm...

look forward to visit them in Diwali!

Prixie said...

aww..i can empathise. i left wonderful friends (who became family) in london to return to south africa.

it is tough and nothing will make sense now. but believe me the fog clears, and you will be able to see again.

Nikki said...

Don't panic! Time heals all. Just hand in there!

Anonymous said...

be clear? who left? do u know there is something interesting about females. they want attention but dont want to give. anom

thusspakerono said...

I felt exactly the same way during my first year in Kolkata after college and the repercussions were bad (binge drinking, bawling loudly, daydreaming at office etc). I'd be lying if I said Pune has left me completely and over the last year and half I have worked slowly and painfully in convincing myself that the Pune chapter is afterall over and I am sure you'll come to terms with it pretty soon too:)And hold on, things will get better.
I'll be travelling to Pune this Puja...24th of Sept to 3rd Oct.

umangexuberance said...

ok girl,
I know how it feels to have the best set of friends, to be the baby of the gang, to know there are people to get your back no matter how badly you screw up, and then to wake up in this alien place where you understand nothing and no one, where the very contours of the word friendship change so drastically, you don't know what hit you...
so listen up
close your eyes, take a deep breath and relax!!
you can either sit there curled up in a ball clueless, letting life pass you by, like I have been doing for the last 10 months,
or you can pick yourself up, figure out what you really want to do with your life and then do it..basically you can be a lost kid or you can grow up
take your call now

Guy said...

its all a cosmic conspiracy to make you more mature!

Raghav said...

since u mentioned the caterpillar...

maybe you are the young butterfly, stepping out of the cocoon's maternal dark and warmth, it steps out into the harsh sun.
wings still wet, infantile.

useless it thinks.

too early.

i cant fly with these wet tissue clippings.

but then the sun dries them up, they get firm and they take shape.

finally the butterfly, still grumbling the loss of its cocoon the butterfly decides to go for a walk, reaching the edge of the branch she sees the flowers on the horizon.

hungry as she is, and without any options whatsoever, she jumps off the branch and flies.

my advice: dont go back.

stay.

stick it out.

say fuck off to those ghosts and jump.

trust your wings.

they will carry you.

no matter what it is, you can do it.

Anonymous said...

so miss Ma*****ra.........no new posts?

zephyr said...

@anon:
who is ma*****ra?? dude i hav a feeling ur on the wrong blog..