I cry...

I cry when I am happy
I cry when I am angry
I cry when I miss
I cry when I just cant take it anymore
For me it is a release
I cry when I laugh too much
I cry when I see a particular scene in a movie
I cry when I am touched... like when you told me what I was dying to hear or when I saw the old couple enjoying a movie together.
I cry at odd things
I cry when I fight
I cry because it helps me
It is who I am...
so I will cry when I want to...
To retain my sanity...
I will cry
Not because I am weak
But because I am strong enough to deal with how I feel.

I dont, I wont...

I dont want to stop
I dont want to run away
I dont want to give up
I dont want to stop believing
I dont want to let go
I cant let go
I am an idiot
I am a fool
Actually I am a love fool
But I am who I am
I wont let go
I will stop wondering
I will stop talking about it
But I wont let go
And I dont care if it hurts
I will grow up
I will grow stronger
But I wont stop
I miss you
I cry for you
But I wont run away
I wont blame
I wont get angry
But I wont accept

Sometimes when I am sitting through long discourses of how I haven't been doing what I should and etc etc... I get this insane urge to flung something towards the wall. Like a hot piping cup of chai.. And see what happens... What kind of a sound is created with the shattering of the glass? What kind of an image is formed on the wall?
Someday I will... Someday I will throw that cup and I know I'll feel better... I know I will...

Sappy movies, REality and Have I ever mentioned that I hate making titles for my posts!!

(when I wrote this post I was all happy and coming to terms with things... But it seems my temper has a mind of its own... So if it isnt my boyfriend I'm losing my temper on then it just is someone else who I love or care about... currently a particular male member of my family... I am pretty MAD right now.. Like extremely angry... Such a kind of rage I havent felt in years and yes I agree I shouldnt have said some things but I'm super tired of ignoring it ALL!!
Oh ya... now I have twitter to make such RANDOM updates about my slowly-spiralling-out-of-control-so-called-life!! SHIT... I had just pledged not to self pity myself AGAIN!! CRAP CRAP CRAP!!! I need to stand by these freaking pledges I make!! .... Sigh...
Ya... now the happy post... )

Life isnt like the romantic movies I see so happily and with dreamy eyes... You know where the guy and the girl part ways due to some misunderstanding or problem... They pine for a while... Shed some tears here and there... Lose some weight... Gain some weight... And do some other jhing bang...

And then through some insane twist of fate, they both realise their follies and get back with each other... sigh.. awwwww.. and some more chicky flicky sounds.... =)

But reality, much to my dismay, begs to differ (Damn it!!). SO in the REAL-GROWN UP-MATURE-WORLD my 'guy' is showing no signs of suddenly waking up in the middle of the night and calling me up and proffessing his undying love for me... (too melodramatic?.. oh ok.. Fine...)Lets just say he cringes at the sound of my voice and is having absolutely no epiphanies of any sorts which would make him believe even remotely that he might just like the sound of my voice eventually... (And I havent even sung to him yet.. double damn it!!)

And unlike in the movies my friends, his friends and our friends havent come up with any awesome creative plans to get us back together... (But they have been awesome supports and provided a steady supply of tissues and amazingly yum food! thank you Ree and N!!)

But after loads of why's and what the hell's and this cant be happening to ME... Ive finally reached the stage of oh well it has happened, so lets just get that bottle of Port No.99 and be talli!! [ No I am not an alcoholic.. this is just an example =)]

And I am happy to be here... Took my time but have reached this stage... So...

"Hit the Road 'self-pity' and dont come back... No more... no more... no more...

no more!!"

I know it sounds lame but put some music it may sound better...
Ok...
It still sounds lame..
sigh...
=)

Little Children and Unaccustomed Earth...

Little Children by Tom Perrotta is a good book... Is it a great book? Well not according to me...
I wont talk about what happens in the book. You can read the book yourself or just Wiki it to know the plot.
All I'll say is that it is a darkly humourous account of a suburbian dysfunctional society so real that your next door neighbour might fit the character description. Yet none of the characters or their underlying insecurities, beliefs, failures, dreams were captivating enough for me to remember or revisit any of the characters present in the book.
I do suggest that one reads it.
And yes I loved the end.

Now coming to Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri. Most of the stories in this book, one might feel lead nowhere and end in a pointless paragraph. Yet look deeper. Read closely. And each word has its meaning. Each character has a life of its own. Some themes seem similar specially when it comes to the children in the story. They are all trying to escape their Bengali identities and adapt to the world they now call their own. Yet they face the hard realities of who they are and what they swore they would never be but have become due to the curious plays of fate. I loved the stories. The description. The painful acceptance of fate in some and in some the continued fight for a change. A better life.
I do suggest this book.
But a word of caution. What I like may not be the popular opinion. So tread and read carefully =)

Oh yes !!! A book one has to read purely because of its plot and simplicity is Q & A by Vikas Swarup! I read it nearly two years back and I love to re read it from time to time. It is fantastic!

And people please leave some suggestions as to what I should read next. I really need to go book shopping! Have to stock up for the winters! =)

yet another one of those posts...

sigh... I dont know anything about Love I think...
Ive been told that Love doesnt work in the terms of Black or White.. that is it is wrong for me to believe that you either love someone or you dont...
I am confused... incredibly confused...
Of course I want to believe that love works in mysterious ways and that what I've lost I'll get back if an effort is made... But am I fooling myself in believing that? Am I trying to believe in it so that I derive hope from something that has lost all its meaning in his eyes?
I dont have these answers and I have lost the will to search further... People have given me excellent advice.. have told me to back off... stop this crazy interaction... accept reality...
Yet I keep hanging on... hoping that it is true... that Love comes back when a true effort is made...
I am no saint and I very well know where I faltered...
Irrespective of what happens I know I'll improve as a person... Learn. Reassess.
And I know new dreams will be made too...
But yet... this hope... this never ending hope... that it'll all be what it was...

fear

ok... A friend of mine just informed me how he was cringing at some of the things I said in my 'I miss.." post... oh well... Maybe when this cloud around my head descends, I'll cringe too and wonder why in the world did I put up so many of my personal feelings right out in the open for everyone to read and comment on...
But at the end of the day what do I fear so much? people's opinions about how lame they think I am, to be writing like this? Or people's pity?
I guess the reason I am anonymous is because I fear being judged...
Someday I'll get over this fear... Soon... Hopefully..
This blog post may just be the first step... =)
But ya.. I shall continue to be whatever it is I am... [I am being referred to as quite a few things these days anyways.. =)]

Too much pondering... Too random...

I realised that during the 'happy days' I wrote so many things... poems.. lil snippets... chroniciling my feelings.. chotu incidents... yet I never put up anything of that on the blog.. and now the 'sad days' are back.. so am I.. =)
Today I sat and thought back on all those beautiful crazy moments... the moments that just made everything and anything look possible... and there were just so many of them...

Anyway I am not getting to give my exams because of lack of attendance while my father who is studying for his MBA right now gets to give his.. So I am encouraging him and making him chai (which curiously is coming out green for some odd reason)... basically having nothing to do I end up thinking about the last time I was home for vacations.. the scenario.. the things happening in my life... everything was so different...

hehe.. as I said I have way too much free time to ponder over things...
But me reading an interesting book right now called 'Little Children' by Tom Perrotta.. I will be writing about it soon..
Now I think I will stop this random rambling... Oh ya... I miss my best friend... She's the freaking only constant in my life... I wonder how she stands me... =) will ask her next time we talk...

I dont care how this sounds...

I miss the rain... I miss silent glances across the room... The knowing smiles... The insanely long phone conversations dreaming about something so faraway... I miss being picked up and being dropped behind a tree infront of my house... I miss getting caught and crying over it, yet feeling safe knowing you are right there even if a 1000 miles away... I miss the conversations about the gunslinger... about the futility of being human... about things that didnt even make sense... I miss the search for Carlsberg... I miss the first fight... I miss my belief that I could wake you up no matter what the time may be... I miss being called names from the animal farm... I miss being the psycho... I miss the crazy impractical plans of meeting... I miss counting months... I miss the belief that this is forever... I miss being perfect... I miss drunken conversations... I miss banging phones down just to call back again... I miss the little mistakes that were easily forgotten... I miss the argument about the designated cook... I miss the rendition of 'the end'... I miss spilt wine... I miss honest confessions... I miss dreaming together... I miss the cliches and the corny lines... I miss laughing... I miss burning milk... I miss attempting to take care of you... I miss complaining whenever I want to knowing that you are mine... I miss shocking you... I miss talking without breathing... I miss being a kid... I miss acting immature and know you'd handle it... I miss holding you... I miss our LOTR Tattoo plans... I miss our little eccentricities... I miss the shocked look on your face when you came to know I havent read Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy... I miss your 'taking over' plans... I miss your funky childhood stories... I miss telling you the same stories 1000 times... I miss... Too many things... I just miss... Too much.

It is beautiful... the way one falls apart... every fibre of their existence slowly unraveling itself...
It is indeed beautiful and overwhelming to feel that dramatic destruction of a particular dream or belief... That particular moment when you can no longer lift your body or soul out of a place one fears to describe...
I observed myself while I unraveled... I decided to feel the movement of every teardrop that left the closed protected surroundings of my eye as it finally broke free...

And as I unravel I ask for some clarity... maybe just a little hope...
A little desperate attempt to hold on...
I meant it all... I believed in it all... and I wanted to give more than I was even capable of... To see a smile... To be all that you could possibly want...
But as I said the most beautiful thing to observe is the slow disillusionment of the mind... the slow falling apart...