for my 24th year :)

I don't make resolutions.
I hate the entire thought of it.
But being such a contradiction, I do set some goals for myself on my birthday.
When we enter the 14th day of January, I turn 24 years old.
And I am far from what I thought I would be like when I was 14 :)
The 14 year old me would be both scandalized and proud of me if she saw me today!

So today I want to make a list of things I want to do and a list of rules I want to follow in my 24th year ! Some maybe too abstract but I am sure when the time comes I'll make sense of it :)

RULES
1. Have faith in myself.

This is something I should probably wake up in the morning and repeat to myself like a 100 times! A friend told me a few weeks back (and I am sure if my friend is reading, he would probably chuckle) about how I have confidence and I have content but I just don't have conviction. THAT is what I need ! I need to have some faith in who I am. Keeping oneself in check is one thing but what I tend to do is called bulldozing one's faith into a pulp and then a lil bit more just to make sure ! This has to change.

2. Rise above paranoia.

I am an optimistic person. But my optimism comes with truckloads of mentally crippling moments of 'what ifs' and 'worst case scenarios'. I HAVE to rise above that. YES it is possible that my boss may hate my presentation, might even say it is CRAP and YES it is possible that the man I am in love with may cheat on me.
But I cannot do anything beyond a point. I can work hard and create a presentation that I think is great. I can love honestly and if I find that my love has been compromised, I can walk out with dignity. But I cannot see the future (that too the most horrible one) and lose my sleep over it. That is just NOT the way to live.

3. LOVE every single thing I do.

If I am sitting and doing nothing, I need to love that.
I actually managed to do that quite a bit in my 23rd year. I set up a rented house in Bombay and LOVED every second of it. I walked around aimlessly and loved that too. I just need to continue doing that :)

4. Take chances.

Life is short. I know it sounds cliched but hell it is so true. And if I am the kind of person who feels the need to do too many things in this life well then I need to just go ahead and do it. YES I want to work with a developmental organisation working for social profit and YES I love advertising as well. This year will be about finding a balance and charting a plan to do both. Somewhere I will squeeze in my desire to learn photography, spanish, writing etc etc. PHEW. I have a LOT of work to do :)

5. Fall in love.

Love is a strong feeling. And I want to feel it. I want to feel the rush and the withdrawal. I want to rise high and fall far below. I want to get dizzy in romance and laugh myself silly. I think I am on my way to this :)
X, are u listening? ;)

6. Learn to appreciate.

This is a life long learning process for me. I have to learn to appreciate constantly the little things. Things my parents do. Things that other people do. Things that happen around me. There is alot to see and hold and love. All I need to do is keep my eyes and ears open !

7. Teach.

I discovered in my 23rd year that someday I would love to teach. And then I realised that I don't need to wait. Teaching and learning happen around us all the time. If someone needs to learn and I can help, then I will rise to the occasion. And I am sure there will always be someone around to teach me as well :)

8. Accept defeat.

Gut instincts aren't always right. I have learnt this the hard way. And I accept defeat. I will always accept my faults and failures. It is important to do so. It is important to say sorry.

9. Letting go.

This is the hardest rule. I have never let anyone go. NEVER. Not the first boy who broke my heart to pieces. Not the girl who I idolized but she crushed my confidence. Not the guy who led me on to believe many things but never followed through. I am friends with everyone. And happily so. But sometimes I have to understand that people don't want to know me anymore. That is when I should give them space and let go. I lost some very wonderful people from my life this past year and I just want to say to them I fought for you all but you all won.

10. Give space. Everyone doesn't want to share everything, everytime.

Every story has a reason and sometimes people don't want to share every story from a life before me. I should accept that and make myself understand that just because they don't want to share doesn't mean that they are hiding something.


NOW the fun to-do list

1. HAVE to buy that dslr already! no seriously!
2. NO postponing writing. write write write!
3. Stationery is never enough. got to get some more :P
4. PLEASE get that driver's license this year.*note to self*
5. I have to get healthy. Expanding in the way that I am will get me nothing but a bad heart (physically) and make me spend tons of money on clothes! So hitting the gym this year!
6. Have to see - Mcleodganj, Leh, Kerala and all the beaches in Maharashtra and Goa this year. THIS is super important!
7. I have to start singing again. :)

Okie as of now I think this is it. But I am sure I will keep adding more rules for myself as time goes by.

Happy Birthday to me! (In exactly 18.5 hours)

fear of being real, plague many... fear of accepting change, plague many... fear of acknowledging new events in their lives in a crowd, plague many...

And there are a few individuals who have no patience for this category of 'many'.

Clean breaks and Lost innocence...

I am always in a hurry.
I always want to know everything about someone.
I need to investigate... inquire... scratch beneath the surface...

I am afterall a very open person.
But it struck me that maybe sometimes people don't want to open up instantly. They don't want you to know so soon the past moments in their lives. The moments of intense joy. And specially the moments when they felt that they couldn't go on anymore.

There are things too that I don't talk about. That I never want to even think about.
Maybe we all deserve a clean break from the past sometimes.
Is it wrong to have a fresh start and let the past be?

I got a weird message today from a man from my past. A long time ago he meant the world to me. And I felt sad knowing how much I had changed over the years.
I used to be more of a believer then.
I believed him with all my heart and innocence.
And I believed in love. The simple uncomplicated feeling of love.

Is that innocence lost now?
Have I seen too much to believe again?

Now people tell me how fragile the concept of Love and commitment is nowadays.
And I realise that maybe what I am looking for doesn't even exist.
It has stopped bothering me now. I have accepted and have gotten lost in this changing world.

the world that I don't understand.

About the place where I grew up - Delhi

I want to write about you.
Put your layers in words.
I need a place to start.
Something for the middle
And the end too is unclear.
But still
I want to write about you.
The way you dance
Under dim lights
Of foggy nights.
The way you cruise
On hot summer afternoons.
The way you hurt
The darkness of your dirt
Your alleys and corners
The open spaces hiding secrets.
I want to expose you
And your every single scar.
You are trapped aren’t you?
In the mindset of the migrants?
You are trapped in myths
And stereotypes built over years.
Your daughters feel trapped too.
Words and rules trap them
The wandering stares
And nimble hands violating
Their exposed bodies, trap them.
They will run one day.
But you already know that,
Don’t you?
Your daughters will leave,
One by one.
But wherever they go
They will always be looking
Over their shoulders.
Scared and submissive.
You didn’t prepare them
You forgot to teach them
How to live, how to grow.
I want to write about
Your failed role as a father.
I want to write about how
Loving you is natural,
But hating you is natural too.

quote

This is the first quote I come across in the morning and I am a little 'hit in the face' by it... Think I will post something about it later... But as of now check out the quote!


"A border can be drawn on a map only after it is first drawn on human hearts."
- Anonymous

The funny story of the millionth Heartbreak.

Hearts get broken all the time. Or at work sometimes I think I got the worst deal.

Many days I just look upwards and exclaim (to what I presume is god but in reality is just the roof) in the most dramatic manner going - ‘WHY ME!’ (my head also plays dramatic background music when I do that)

I do all that and more (I am quite the drama queen and very innovative that ways)

In the middle ofcourse I distract myself with lots of alcohol and drunk dialing/texting. Topping all that with drunk lamenting about how I should have been born in a different generation.
And blah and some more blah.

But sometimes just when I think the world couldn’t be a more messed up place, I hear of a friend delivering a new baby girl. A lil bundle of cuteness whose pic itself is dreamy :)

I remember how, this friend I have, waited for more than an hour to pick me up for a party knowing about my conveyance issues while another was brave enough to ask my Dad if I could get permission for a party that hadn't even been planned yet :P (no harm in being prepared I was told)

I remember the baby brother, who is discovering love for the first time, telling me about the girl he plans to ask out.

I remember the 3 am BB message from a beautiful friend of mine who told me that I need to smile so that the world can smile back at me. She gave me the simplest advice that touched my heart :)

I remember that there is a biker cool dude who believes in die hard romantics like us and when I am losing faith cheers me up! (All is not lost for the fools like us huh?)

I remember the red and yellow wall that waits for me in Bombay. The wall I am supposed to fill with memories and more stories of the life in a new city. A city I don't have to leave anymore it seems :)

Just when I feel like crap, I remember the mail from an old flame who tells me how beautiful I am. Who tells me why he thinks I am worth some bloke’s time (WHAT a sweet mail that was ‘freak’ ) :)

The drama of heart break and bad days carries on for us. Sometimes we find what we’re looking for and sometimes we don’t. But most of the times we walk out with some damn good stories to talk about.

I think my Grand kids would be highly entertained :P

Dogs snore!

My dog snores.
Not the cute 'grunty' kinds.
But the LOUD truck kinds.

He snores with all insane strength and if woken up in the middle of his snoring, seems quite pleased with itself.

I really did not know dogs snore!

Minor

It is a minor fall
From your graces.
It is the demise
Of your enthusiasm.
Once more I blow out
My candles in the air.
It is a minor
Heartache.
No big deal.
Really!
It is just a joke,
And I laugh with you.
I sit across you
And sip bitter rum.
Toast to the start
And the finish.
It is a minor
Addition to my cynicism.
It is minor.
Really!

surviving a new city

living with people is not easy. Living in a new city is not easy. And waking up in the morning is not easy. Actually that is the toughest! *facepalm*

Bombay is a crazy interesting at times scary place.
But this ride is turning out to be something. :)