Friday, 17 February 2012

Misshapen trust and choices to be made...

I spent the entire last night worrying about how my life was turning out.
I was scared of falling in love. I was scared that I was going get massively hurt.
I wasn't angry at him. At first I thought I was. And then I realised that what I was really angry about was that suddenly someone had the power to hurt me. Someone had the power to break my heart. At such times one does begin to feel vulnerable and like a target for life to mess around with!

But at some point in the night when my hands were exhausted with all the things I was writing and all the many things I was thinking, I realised in a split second - that this was not a moment I had no control over. This was the moment of choice.

I had a choice. I could choose to stay there. Or I could leave.
I could let a mistake pass or I could claim this to be my breaking point. The truth was this wasn't my breaking point. Of course the trust I gave out blindly was shaken. But I hadn't reached that point yet. Some say that why wait to crash and burn. But I believe that sometimes we assume too much. And we tend to assume the worst. What are the chances that this might actually be something worth working around?
Honestly I had no answers.

For tonight I decided to stay. I held his hand and fell asleep in his arms.
For tonight I let the world call me naive. Maybe if life doesn't hit me in the stomach, my naivety may have saved me from throwing away something more valuable than I know. I think I'll give this love I feel for him, a chance and hope that I don't get the wind knocked out of me :)

BTW I got the sweetest advice from AT today. He asked me how I was in the morning and I just told him how confused I was feeling. Even though I didn't tell him why I was feeling this confused. I told him how I don't know what kind of a person should I be and how I felt like maybe I wasn't prepared for the world as the world needed someone more cold. To this, he said the most interesting thing. -

"The one thing that life has taught me is that when you let other people change you, one day, when they've all left you, you'll be staring at a stranger in the mirror. Be yourself, even if it is painful at times. Give people a second chance, but don't give them your sanity. You are genuine. That is a very hard quality to come by. And to preserve. Don't under-sell yourself. Have a beer. Sab theek ho jayega :P"

I specially loved the beer part. HA HA. Thank you AT! :)

No comments: