All this while
I was demeaning myself?

I didn't know...
But now I do...
Maybe you are right... I don't function normally.

Prince Charming, Rachita's SC and Memories...

I am finally home after a 12 hour bus journey and the journey was spent with me being in three different moods in the three parts of the journey...

Part 1: Prince Charming and his Former Princess
I was nearly crying and heavy at heart because I realised that he is still the Prince Charming, it is just that I am not the Princess anymore. How I miss that boy and his smile. He could light up my entire universe! I keep trying to tell him to hang on but he is moving on and I don't have the right to stop him.
'I think about you now and then... I think about us now and then... hey I'm coming home again..'
I really am... Just wait for a few months more...

Part 2: Rachita's Post
The second part of the journey was spent thinking about Rachita's latest post which is called SC.
The post is just so heartwarming. I mean someone gets a girl Chilly Peppers and tells her I've got the hots for you... here I go again.. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
That is what I like about men... when they are in the zone they know exactly how to melt our lil hearts... sigh... :D
And the last ending line of the post which talked about 'letting the person know how you feel so that you never regret later' was exactly what I believe in. My thought is that I have an opportunity to tell someone that they are missed and that every morning there is someone loving them and praying for them, then why shouldn't I?
I can deal with no response but I cant deal with the fact that my someone didn't know that I cared. Of course I do end up looking very silly at times... And at times when I am in my weaker phases I feel sad. But all in all I am fine and happy.
I had the good times... they'll come again. :D

Part 3: Memories
The third part was an off shoot of what Rachita was talking about. And I started reminiscing about all the times boys who've cared about me have done crazy or plain simple mushy things for me.
I remembered how P, the day he'd asked me out had been circling my house in his car from 630 in the evening till 1130 in the night, waiting for me to be free to meet him because I was working on some competition. He had then taken me out for a looong drive and had eventually over a plate of hot Poha and tea asked me out. He was my first love. And my forever best friend. He's my lazy knight in shining armour who is an alcohol guzzling-woman loving-bear! :D
The number of scams he's pulled on me are just not countable anymore. He once convinced me that one of his friends was adopted and then promptly forgot that he had said something like this to me. A year later when I casually asked him about it his reaction was "Khadu is ADOPTED"
Me: You told me he's adopted!
Him: ummm... Was I scamming you? I am confused.
Sigh... :D And this conversation continued.

I remembered how R had asked me out at 3 in the morning over the phone (because I was super impatient and wanted to know right then what it is that he had to say) while I was in mussoorie. I state that that was the most romantic 'asking out' in the history of asking outs!!
And he'd come to meet me the moment I was back and while I was waiting had gone all over his area looking for Beer because he had promised that we'll have some when I met him! I still am not sure where he got the bottles considering all shops were closed that day.. He was my Superman!
I also remembered how my crazy LOTR loving R had gifted me a huge silver LOTR style ring which till date hasn't left my finger. It is now a reminder for me of all the good times that I had had and a hope that there will be more someday.
And of course the best memory of all is when after I'd thrown a chotu tantrum for some silly reason, R had gone out and bought me the Essential Johnny Cash CD and slipped it into my bag.... He always just knew what to do.
He knew that he just had to smile when I was angry and all would be well again in my land..
Ohh there's more... He had also once scared the crap out of me by impersonating a crazy fanatic! He kept following me around and saying weird things in high pitched voice till I was so scared that he had to stop!
Hehe... Initially when we had started dating no one knew about us but still he used to come to drop me back. And one day my Dad was waiting for me right outside my house and he saw us! I swear even I thought my gentle Dad might shoot him. R definitely thought that :D

Memories are what is left of those days and I keep them in my heart at all times. To remind me that there is always hope. That there is love and people who believe in them.
If only... No.. today isn't the day for 'if only's'. Today I will look at the bright side.
Today I will let the memories take me to a better place.
Tomorrow I'll be stronger and face the reality. :)

And finally my bus was in Hyderabad and I was struggling with my bag which sadly was stuck in the aisle
Did I ever tell you guys that I always fall in buses? Like in the aisle. I go splat!! :D

SOS

I am soooooooooooooo angry!!

My prince charming is acting like a FROG!!!

Maybe he needs a kiss...

why why why am I here while my Prince Charming is there!!
It is a national emergency.. I have to save him before he turns into a frog again... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..

any suggestions as to what I can do????
SOS..

I am...

Chaos.

Love.

Freedom.

Hope.

Rage.

I am...

Yours.

My father's pride.

My mother's dream.

I am...

Known.

Unknown.

I am...

Broken.

Hurt.

Searching.

I am...

Healing.

Still searching.

Fighting.

I am...

Waiting.

Confused.

Dreaming.

I am...

somebody

I am...

No one.

Rono's visit :)

Couple of days back I got a call from a guy who came to know me through my blog and a mutual friend.
Now Rono is a lawyer in Kolkata and graduated from Symbi Law. He was back in pune visiting his old gang of friends and decided to meet me too.. :)

Not only did he meet me but so did his (nearly) whole gang. Sam, Karan, Jeetu, Shaks, Anupama... Of course Bikram was missed and talked about alot!! (chuckles!!)
Let me just say that I honestly havent met a more friendly and fun bunch in a long long time!! They were funny, talented and full of life!

I was introduced to all at 2 in the afternoon and by 3 I was already cracking jokes with them... And that for me is an achievement. I take a lot of time to get comfortable around strangers let alone crack jokes! The highlight of the day according to me was when I heard these guys jam at Anupama's place.

Sam and Karan's voice and Rono's beats (and rono, you do sing well!!) and I was lifted... spirit and all... It was an experience to hear Sam and Karan sing in harmony and play around with Raags. It was an honour to be able to witness a friendship of this sorts between these guys. I was touched by their history together and by their easy acceptance of strangers.

And I was also pleasantly surprised by their interest to hear me sing... I promise you guys that next time(I hope there is a next time ) I meet you all I will learn that Norah Jones song and sing it... :)

Thank You Rono for meeting me and introducing me to such a fine bunch of people. You gave me an excellent memory! And now make sure you mail me those pics... :)

I will never...

I will never learn to 'play hard to get'

I will never hide how I feel

I will never stop loving

I will never blame

I will never stop hoping

I will never stop missing

I will never stop dreaming

I will never stop writing

I will never stop trying to stop all contact

I will never ever be able to end contact

I will never stop praying that he sees the change and asks me back

I will never mail those letters

I will never regret having him

I will never stop regretting how I behaved when I had him

I will never let myself be immature again

I will never stop wondering

I will never stop telling him that I am there

I will never stop being a fool

I will never give up

I will never give in

I will never stop myself from getting hurt

I will never stop him from leaving

I will never disappoint him again

I will never act like an idiot if he came back

I will never stop expressing even my sappiest of emotions on this blog

I will never down play my own self in my eyes again

I will never stop believing in who I am

I will never think I dont deserve what I have

I will never scream on the phone again no matter how angry I am

I will never ever think that P doesnt care

I will never take P or any of my other friends' for granted

I will never get seriously jealous again

I will never hurt myself or loathe myself

I will never put all the blame on me and me alone

I will never stop singing

I will never stop loving my parents

I will never stop cherishing my brothers

I will never lose Ree

I will never forget

I will never lose sight of who I am and who I want to be

I will never over expect from myself

I will never forget to b happy with the little things

I will never compete unnecessarily

I will never get lost in the crowd

I will never be scared to get lost

I will never take my dreams and goals for granted

I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU THE WAY I HAD PROMISED

I will show you that I love myself now and I am still the one you had met

I will....

And I am praying hard for my miracle... I am.... :)

My candle and My hopes...

I am sitting under the light of a solitary candle in my room... I am all alone... with music playing in the background... Rachael Yamagata crooning as to how she'll find a way to see him again... And soon Nitin Sawhney will grace me with Nostalgia..
And I am at peace with myself..
I am happy and suddenly content...

Things aren't perfect but then I have never expected them to be...

whatever has happened has made me learn... And I have a feeling that everything will just be beautiful now...

As I said I am happy... The warmth of the candle is washing over me and I am missing but not hurting... I am hopeful and dreamy eyed... Again... =D

I got TAGGED..

The Song tag! Think..Nostalgia and music! Finish the list and then tag three people to do it!

1. Song most listened to during school years: Numb by Linkin Park (the piano version).. yes yes.. I was slightly angst ridden =), Travelin Soldier by Dixie Chicks

2. Song during college years: Drops of Jupiter by Train

3. Song during first love: Always by Bon Jovi

4. Song during first heartbreak: Emotions by Destiny's Child, I wish you Love by Rachael Yamagata

5. Song for all seasons: Hey Jude by The Beatles, What am I to you by Norah Jones, Hurt by Johnny Cash

6. Song you'd headbang to: soem stuff by Pink Floyd and Gun's and Roses..

7. Song you'd dance to: .Rise up by (i dunno who) and Get Low by Flo-rida

8. Song for gymming: Gymming n mE?? hehehe...

9. Song for long walks: Norah Jones and Rachael Yamagata

10. Song for drives: The End by The Doors and Bob Marley

11. Song for mornings: Sunrise by Norah Jones

12. Song for parties: David Guetta and Bob Sinclair

13. Song when stressed: I'll Find a Way by Rachael Yamagata

14. Song when cheerful: Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows

15. Song when romantic:I'd Love you to want me by LObo, You and Me by Lifehouse

16. Song when mad as hell:There are way too many... umm..

17. Song that you'd serenade a girl/guy with:Chasing cars by snow patrol, Stay with you by john legend, save me from myself by Christina Aguilera

18. Song you'd like to be seranaded with:Inside out by Bryan Adams, Chasing cars by snow patrol and ALways by Bon jovi, Rose of my heart by Johnny Cash

19. Song you'd dedicate to any person in the world:Together by Michelle Branch To Ree

20. Song of a legend:Hurt by Johnny Cash, I walk the line by Johnny Cash

21. Song that others connect you with:Travelin Soldier by Dixie Chicks, Tonight the heartache's on me by Dixie Chicks

22. Song that best describes you:The Long way around by Dixie Chicks, Born to fly by Sara Evans


People I tag to do this:
1. Rohit
2. Impressionist
3. Raghav

=D

Chasing cars... Snow Patrol.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's
bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's
bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes,
they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never
change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
just forget the world?

these are beautiful...

I have been reading Postsecret since a couple of years now and recently I started saving my favourite secrets... The following secrets are ones that touched my soul.. Some I relate to and some are just plain beautiful..
Btw the first secret had one more line to it at the back saying 'even if you cant'

What if...

Why was I in love with you?
Why did I fall in love with you?
What was it that made me believe in us so much?

Maybe because I saw and I felt that you were just like me.
from the inside you were all that I was.
Passionate
Dreamy
Hurt
At times scared of your own emotions
And the power they have to create chaos

Maybe because I saw that you were a child inside..
Just like me

Happy with the little things..
Excited just to see a smile..
Bored easily..
Laughing over things that made no sense sometimes.

But distance killed us didn't it?

We were two little kids needing each other like a security blanket
but so confused as to how to provide that warmth
when living so faraway...

Two little kids so full of love and hope
but so confused as to how to convey it...

I hurt you. You hurt me.
I know you loved me.
I know you don't anymore.
I believe you. All your words.

But what if we were close?
What if I still was there with you
everyday sharing those small inconsequential
details of our daily lives that made us happy?
still sharing those jokes only we understood..
The movies... the DEAD zone... the Dream catcher...

What if I hadn't left?

Why do I feel like you would have been mine forever.. then?

Why do I feel like I lost something extremely extremely important?

That I messed up what was meant to be...

Like I was about to reach that perfect place and fell short of a mile...

And yes I know I'll move on...
everyday the tragedy and the pain would seem a lil less..
And I haven't stopped laughing. or Crying.
And life doesn't stop through anything.
Birth. Death. Heartbreak.
But something is missing now.
Something has left me and who I was
And it is not coming back.

Call me a fool if you must.

But I did believe that you were my lobster.

You are a child at heart...
And how I wanted to protect you.
And I am a child..
So in need of your protection.

Together we were...
Comfortable..
In each others presence.
Happy to just be around
With no need to really say anything.

I just needed to come back...
And I will be back.
I will see you again...
Put on a smile. Ask about your life.
Not let you know how much I wish I was part of it.
I pray that you will be happy.
Pray for me too..

But what if ... what if I hadn't left???
Don't you see too that things would have been different?

Don't you see...
I just needed to come back...

The trip...

I am going to Goa… Impromptu… Without any rhyme or reason… Without any plans…

I am just packing my bags and leaving… Because I need to… I need to, not get away or runaway, but I need to because I need to travel somewhere… Anywhere.

Even though I have been to Goa before but every trip shows one something new…

And I hope I discover something new about myself…

About the people around me…

I have always loved traveling… some of my earliest memories are of being on a road trip with my parents… For my dad it comes with the job… He’s in the defence and luckily for him both my mom and me love packing our bags and leaving for the next destination… of course at times I have wondered about how I really have no real home or link to my supposed heritage.. I am a Bengali who cant eat fish or talk the language in a refined manner and I don’t like sweets very much… I am more of a Butter chicken and Sizzlers eating person… And no I am not proud of not being able to speak Bengali properly... it is a shame!!

But nevertheless I have loved my childhood for all its craziness and meeting new people.

And since the past few days hearing stories about people exploring old and new destinations I felt oddly restless…

SO I am leaving tonight…

Hopefully when I am back I will have interesting and funny things to share…

Though there is one thing… I could have easily traded Goa for Delhi… I am craving for Roomali roti’s and Kababs… And some things more…

But I didn’t get the sign…

Wish I had received one in time.. I would have come there without thinking twice...

The Umbrella...

I stood behind the tree waiting…
I had carefully placed the ‘umbrella’ on his door…
Our special HUGE umbrella that had kept us dry and close through so many days of rain…

The placing of the umbrella was such that when he opened the door, it would fall right at his feet… After making sure the arrangement was perfect, I had rung the doorbell three times and had run for cover… The tree seemed perfect… So I stood there… waiting… wondering…

And just then the door opened and ‘thump’ went the umbrella at someone’s feet (I couldn’t see who it was yet)

Then the stranger stepped out into the sun holding the umbrella and yes it was him!! He looked around and then at the umbrella he held, with that surprised curious expression I was so used to seeing…

He was reading the note I’d stuck on the front of our shared possession.

“1. Lift the Umbrella over your head.
2. Open the Umbrella while positioned over your head.
3. And don’t worry! It is not a bomb and it wont bite!
- S”

And still with that same expression intact on his face he did as was written…

Voila!!!

Out came lots and lots and lots of pictures… Our pictures... Clicked over the months we were a couple… tumbling down in two’s and three’s all over him!!

For a moment there was a look of utter confusion on his face!
And then he read the second note… stuck right in the middle of the umbrella

“Our love might have faded away….
But why let the memories go the same direction?
Leaving you a few of many... Enjoy! -S”

He smiled.
Nodded his head like he always did when I acted like a child.
Gathered the pictures.
The umbrella.
And went in.

Behind the tree I smiled.
Shrugged like I always did when I wanted to say I cant help being this way.
Gathered my life.
My still existent love.
And walked away.

For light sleepers and lost pictures...

oh ya... n just now... rite this moment.. I ruined it... I just came between a man and his sleep! Yes! U all heard it rite and can now take a collective gasp... Nod your heads and exclaim in unison that the deal just went sour!

Cant believe you are such a light sleeper... and wake up because your sms tone went off..
I am sorry... How am I to know you'd wake up!!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... Can I make this anymore messy?

Ok.. I am taking a deep breath and slowly backing away... one step at a time... calm down...

I just lost a picture... A very important memory.. I hate it when that happens.. there are a couple of things that I hold extremely close to my heart... One of those are pictures.. I love clicking them... I love keeping them...
To me they are moments I have carefully trapped in time... These are images I revisit which help me reconnect to all I've loved and lost and regained sometimes...

I want that picture back.. I want that memory back... I want the emotions linked to that picture back... I want that moment back...

I am sad.
Just suddenly... I feel like I've lost something more than a picture...

Two wacky Negatives!

There is this one thing I've believed in so much? why dont you? (yes you... I am talking to you)
This belief wont leave me alone...

So why wont you believe in it too... only for a moment if you please... And I promise I will change this moment into a lifetime...

I will make those dreams, dreamt under the influence of Carlsberg and hot Delhi afternoons, come true...

Just hang on... a lil while more...

Better to be 'un'stable together than be 'un'stable alone dont you think? =)

And havent you heard two wacky negatives make one heck of a positive!
I am telling you... =)

Sleepless in my Sleep...

This is a poem I'd written long time ago... and had also posted it on my old blog.. it has two versions.. this is one of them.. =)

Sleepless in my sleep

Night keeps trudging along

Day doesn’t usher in a new song

Dreamless in my dreams

Too hard when they shatter

Too many pieces to gather

Aimless in my aims

The bridge to wide to cross

Too many coins to toss

Lifeless in my life?

No doubt as no chances ever taken

Never mended coz never broken.

Best Friends, Boyfriends, And the Best Friends take on the Boyfriend =)

I had a really interesting conversation two nights back which led to this thought cross my head which led me to write this post.

I tell every single detail of my life to my best friend and so does she. We have discussed everything under the sun with each other over the years including our respective boyfriends and our relationship issues.
But when I as a best friend pass my comment or judgement, I haven't really heard her boyfriend's version of the story right?
I have just heard her story... of how she feels and what she thinks has been done wrong to her...
But what about what he feels or has to say?

Shouldn't I consider the gravity of the situation and give him the benefit of doubt too and then dish out my advice which honestly may or may not be the ideal advice?
And seriously I don't even think I have the expertise to advice her on her relationship considering I have no clarity when it comes to mine... But yes I can give her my undying support without automatically branding her boyfriend a maniac! Because at the end of the day I don't know her guy as intimately as she does.

And the truth is and what we both have realised is that 'being there for each other' doesn't mean that we just dole out advice without considering the repercussions it might have in the other person's life! Ultimately in the end only the guy and the girl know what is really happening between them.

But I agree that sometimes the Best Friend gives the really needed Reality Check [U better agree Ree!! =)] and are of course the sound boards and the Tissue providers.
(And of course from time to time we too have used the cliched -All-men-are-Pigs dialogue but hey we still Love pork chops don't we!!... sheepish smile )

I know if I were being discussed between two people (one being my boyfriend) I would hope such benefit of doubt is extended towards me too.
"Hey I know I have psychotic tendencies but I have quite some likeable qualities too and the psychoticness really just stops with the boyfriend... I swear ;) "

Anyways... This is for J...
I am her Best Friend and yes, my loyalties lie with her but you are a great guy and I am there for you too! I haven't and wont ever forget how you called up on my loneliest Christmas ever just to keep me company when Ree told you I was sad.
It meant a LOT to me.
Thank You.

Finally as an afterthought I want to add that I am glad that I don't judge people and if ever I have then I am really sorry!!
When I give second chances I feel happy. I feel like I am giving others the breathing space to be themselves and make their share of mistakes.
Someday... when I get over my fear of being judged, I will feel happier and feel the same...

Till then I shall continue to strive to be that carefree person =)

And Ree.. You're still my supercool-Bhindi-stories-listening-Rockstar!! Love you loads!!

I cry...

I cry when I am happy
I cry when I am angry
I cry when I miss
I cry when I just cant take it anymore
For me it is a release
I cry when I laugh too much
I cry when I see a particular scene in a movie
I cry when I am touched... like when you told me what I was dying to hear or when I saw the old couple enjoying a movie together.
I cry at odd things
I cry when I fight
I cry because it helps me
It is who I am...
so I will cry when I want to...
To retain my sanity...
I will cry
Not because I am weak
But because I am strong enough to deal with how I feel.

I dont, I wont...

I dont want to stop
I dont want to run away
I dont want to give up
I dont want to stop believing
I dont want to let go
I cant let go
I am an idiot
I am a fool
Actually I am a love fool
But I am who I am
I wont let go
I will stop wondering
I will stop talking about it
But I wont let go
And I dont care if it hurts
I will grow up
I will grow stronger
But I wont stop
I miss you
I cry for you
But I wont run away
I wont blame
I wont get angry
But I wont accept

Sometimes when I am sitting through long discourses of how I haven't been doing what I should and etc etc... I get this insane urge to flung something towards the wall. Like a hot piping cup of chai.. And see what happens... What kind of a sound is created with the shattering of the glass? What kind of an image is formed on the wall?
Someday I will... Someday I will throw that cup and I know I'll feel better... I know I will...

Sappy movies, REality and Have I ever mentioned that I hate making titles for my posts!!

(when I wrote this post I was all happy and coming to terms with things... But it seems my temper has a mind of its own... So if it isnt my boyfriend I'm losing my temper on then it just is someone else who I love or care about... currently a particular male member of my family... I am pretty MAD right now.. Like extremely angry... Such a kind of rage I havent felt in years and yes I agree I shouldnt have said some things but I'm super tired of ignoring it ALL!!
Oh ya... now I have twitter to make such RANDOM updates about my slowly-spiralling-out-of-control-so-called-life!! SHIT... I had just pledged not to self pity myself AGAIN!! CRAP CRAP CRAP!!! I need to stand by these freaking pledges I make!! .... Sigh...
Ya... now the happy post... )

Life isnt like the romantic movies I see so happily and with dreamy eyes... You know where the guy and the girl part ways due to some misunderstanding or problem... They pine for a while... Shed some tears here and there... Lose some weight... Gain some weight... And do some other jhing bang...

And then through some insane twist of fate, they both realise their follies and get back with each other... sigh.. awwwww.. and some more chicky flicky sounds.... =)

But reality, much to my dismay, begs to differ (Damn it!!). SO in the REAL-GROWN UP-MATURE-WORLD my 'guy' is showing no signs of suddenly waking up in the middle of the night and calling me up and proffessing his undying love for me... (too melodramatic?.. oh ok.. Fine...)Lets just say he cringes at the sound of my voice and is having absolutely no epiphanies of any sorts which would make him believe even remotely that he might just like the sound of my voice eventually... (And I havent even sung to him yet.. double damn it!!)

And unlike in the movies my friends, his friends and our friends havent come up with any awesome creative plans to get us back together... (But they have been awesome supports and provided a steady supply of tissues and amazingly yum food! thank you Ree and N!!)

But after loads of why's and what the hell's and this cant be happening to ME... Ive finally reached the stage of oh well it has happened, so lets just get that bottle of Port No.99 and be talli!! [ No I am not an alcoholic.. this is just an example =)]

And I am happy to be here... Took my time but have reached this stage... So...

"Hit the Road 'self-pity' and dont come back... No more... no more... no more...

no more!!"

I know it sounds lame but put some music it may sound better...
Ok...
It still sounds lame..
sigh...
=)

Little Children and Unaccustomed Earth...

Little Children by Tom Perrotta is a good book... Is it a great book? Well not according to me...
I wont talk about what happens in the book. You can read the book yourself or just Wiki it to know the plot.
All I'll say is that it is a darkly humourous account of a suburbian dysfunctional society so real that your next door neighbour might fit the character description. Yet none of the characters or their underlying insecurities, beliefs, failures, dreams were captivating enough for me to remember or revisit any of the characters present in the book.
I do suggest that one reads it.
And yes I loved the end.

Now coming to Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri. Most of the stories in this book, one might feel lead nowhere and end in a pointless paragraph. Yet look deeper. Read closely. And each word has its meaning. Each character has a life of its own. Some themes seem similar specially when it comes to the children in the story. They are all trying to escape their Bengali identities and adapt to the world they now call their own. Yet they face the hard realities of who they are and what they swore they would never be but have become due to the curious plays of fate. I loved the stories. The description. The painful acceptance of fate in some and in some the continued fight for a change. A better life.
I do suggest this book.
But a word of caution. What I like may not be the popular opinion. So tread and read carefully =)

Oh yes !!! A book one has to read purely because of its plot and simplicity is Q & A by Vikas Swarup! I read it nearly two years back and I love to re read it from time to time. It is fantastic!

And people please leave some suggestions as to what I should read next. I really need to go book shopping! Have to stock up for the winters! =)

yet another one of those posts...

sigh... I dont know anything about Love I think...
Ive been told that Love doesnt work in the terms of Black or White.. that is it is wrong for me to believe that you either love someone or you dont...
I am confused... incredibly confused...
Of course I want to believe that love works in mysterious ways and that what I've lost I'll get back if an effort is made... But am I fooling myself in believing that? Am I trying to believe in it so that I derive hope from something that has lost all its meaning in his eyes?
I dont have these answers and I have lost the will to search further... People have given me excellent advice.. have told me to back off... stop this crazy interaction... accept reality...
Yet I keep hanging on... hoping that it is true... that Love comes back when a true effort is made...
I am no saint and I very well know where I faltered...
Irrespective of what happens I know I'll improve as a person... Learn. Reassess.
And I know new dreams will be made too...
But yet... this hope... this never ending hope... that it'll all be what it was...

fear

ok... A friend of mine just informed me how he was cringing at some of the things I said in my 'I miss.." post... oh well... Maybe when this cloud around my head descends, I'll cringe too and wonder why in the world did I put up so many of my personal feelings right out in the open for everyone to read and comment on...
But at the end of the day what do I fear so much? people's opinions about how lame they think I am, to be writing like this? Or people's pity?
I guess the reason I am anonymous is because I fear being judged...
Someday I'll get over this fear... Soon... Hopefully..
This blog post may just be the first step... =)
But ya.. I shall continue to be whatever it is I am... [I am being referred to as quite a few things these days anyways.. =)]

Too much pondering... Too random...

I realised that during the 'happy days' I wrote so many things... poems.. lil snippets... chroniciling my feelings.. chotu incidents... yet I never put up anything of that on the blog.. and now the 'sad days' are back.. so am I.. =)
Today I sat and thought back on all those beautiful crazy moments... the moments that just made everything and anything look possible... and there were just so many of them...

Anyway I am not getting to give my exams because of lack of attendance while my father who is studying for his MBA right now gets to give his.. So I am encouraging him and making him chai (which curiously is coming out green for some odd reason)... basically having nothing to do I end up thinking about the last time I was home for vacations.. the scenario.. the things happening in my life... everything was so different...

hehe.. as I said I have way too much free time to ponder over things...
But me reading an interesting book right now called 'Little Children' by Tom Perrotta.. I will be writing about it soon..
Now I think I will stop this random rambling... Oh ya... I miss my best friend... She's the freaking only constant in my life... I wonder how she stands me... =) will ask her next time we talk...

I dont care how this sounds...

I miss the rain... I miss silent glances across the room... The knowing smiles... The insanely long phone conversations dreaming about something so faraway... I miss being picked up and being dropped behind a tree infront of my house... I miss getting caught and crying over it, yet feeling safe knowing you are right there even if a 1000 miles away... I miss the conversations about the gunslinger... about the futility of being human... about things that didnt even make sense... I miss the search for Carlsberg... I miss the first fight... I miss my belief that I could wake you up no matter what the time may be... I miss being called names from the animal farm... I miss being the psycho... I miss the crazy impractical plans of meeting... I miss counting months... I miss the belief that this is forever... I miss being perfect... I miss drunken conversations... I miss banging phones down just to call back again... I miss the little mistakes that were easily forgotten... I miss the argument about the designated cook... I miss the rendition of 'the end'... I miss spilt wine... I miss honest confessions... I miss dreaming together... I miss the cliches and the corny lines... I miss laughing... I miss burning milk... I miss attempting to take care of you... I miss complaining whenever I want to knowing that you are mine... I miss shocking you... I miss talking without breathing... I miss being a kid... I miss acting immature and know you'd handle it... I miss holding you... I miss our LOTR Tattoo plans... I miss our little eccentricities... I miss the shocked look on your face when you came to know I havent read Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy... I miss your 'taking over' plans... I miss your funky childhood stories... I miss telling you the same stories 1000 times... I miss... Too many things... I just miss... Too much.

It is beautiful... the way one falls apart... every fibre of their existence slowly unraveling itself...
It is indeed beautiful and overwhelming to feel that dramatic destruction of a particular dream or belief... That particular moment when you can no longer lift your body or soul out of a place one fears to describe...
I observed myself while I unraveled... I decided to feel the movement of every teardrop that left the closed protected surroundings of my eye as it finally broke free...

And as I unravel I ask for some clarity... maybe just a little hope...
A little desperate attempt to hold on...
I meant it all... I believed in it all... and I wanted to give more than I was even capable of... To see a smile... To be all that you could possibly want...
But as I said the most beautiful thing to observe is the slow disillusionment of the mind... the slow falling apart...

I am tired yet happy...

This is the best feeling in the world... 

Promise a better post later... Not like anyone cares  =)

But I guess I do ...

With a tight slap

Life brought me back

I was floating away

In my world of blue roses

And with my jagged fingers

I ripped every petal apart

I was smiling in vain

Now I wither in pain

I remember what you felt like

Sweet and salty memories

Memories that won’t go away

I see you in the darkest hour of the night

One step away from the edge

If I jump… Will I fly again?

Fly back to the place I thought I’d call home

Oh wait! Did I not burn it last night?

Now I fly around in circles…

Feeling trapped in my own mind.

One step from an infinite slumber

So if I cry… Will I believe again?

I can’t run to you…

Distance just killed the maps.

And when you switch off again

I die… just to come back to life.

You asked me to stop. To grow up.

I aged a thousand years last night.

So wish me Happy Birthday and charge me with murder

I just killed who I was to give birth to my doppelganger.

She was looking out the window… Looking at his retreating figure… His 5 feet 7 inches tall, stocky figure… Him... Wearing his green shirt, and carrying that bright red backpack with animated characters on it… The bag she had laughed about the previous night while he had made fun of her bright blue things… Blue curtains, blue bedspread, blue plates… and yes...

She had known he had to leave today, she had known this since the very first day of his visit… And she also knew this wasn’t his last visit… Yet she wanted to run after him… Stop him… Tell him how she felt though he knew it without her saying a word…

How different they were when it came to love and life… In life she was the optimistic one while he was the practical logical entity… But in love… he was different… A believer… An optimist… Believing that they’d be together… Forever.

While she feared to believe him… She feared to believe him for she was scared to let go of her defences… Yet today as he walked away, she prayed with all she ad that whatever he believed in was real… was true…

She always asked him why he never expressed how he felt… But today she felt the love he didn’t have to express… His undying, illogical belief in their forever spelt out a love filled with childish enthusiasm and innocence she was getting high on…

He didn’t turn back as he walked away… But she knew that he could sense that she was standing at the window…

She saw him stop for the briefest of brief moments before continuing his journey… putting a smile on her face…

I ve been tagged by Raghav!!

Okie here goes... This is a road trip meme. The rules are:

-- Pick five CDs for the trip.
1. David Guetta and Bob Sinclair
2. Johnny Cash
3. Rachael Yamagata
4. Bob Marley
5. Karsh Kale and Anoushka Shankar

-- Pick three essential items.
1. A Khasi knife - paranoid.. am I not=)
2. A Camera with flash
3. Money

-- Pick one outrageous wardrobe item (something that will make you stand out at a party; you must own this item already).
My loooooooooooong bright red sweat shirt!! (it is quite comfy but just looks like a tent... comfy nevertheless ! =)

3 people who have to do this for me are... wait for it.. wait for it..
and they are!!

Bikram

Nicky

Rohit

Get on it with it boys!!

This one makes a lot of sense ...

Amazing website.. Postsecret.

Something me and him wrote...

There are places we go to wait.

We go there to wait for love, for money, for life…and sometimes for
death.but we go there often.

You may not find these places on a map…you may not be able to get into your
car and drive to these places…

But for their undetectabiltiy…these are the easiest places to reach…always
within an arms reach or a thought away.

Places your mind. your heart creates.. sometimes as a refuge.. sometimes as a demonic existence you are seeking refuge from.. but cant resist to return to..

We go there to wait.. all of us do..
But what are we waiting for??

Some are waiting for destiny to come knocking, for them to finally find a space under the sun... a space exclusively for them..

Some are waiting to find a purpose, a meaning to their existence... waiting.. biding away time... fighting away cynicism...

While some are waiting for nothing... Some are just at this place to escape what they've found or some are at this place in ecstasy and in celebration of what they've discovered...

Whatever this place may signify for you... It still is there.. right in the middle of your heart or brain.. depending on what drives you...

The existence of this place is the very reason you're human...
And so we rediscover, recreate and return to these places...

To wait...

A lot happens over coffee...

A lot happens over coffee...
Strangers meet...
Become friends...
Sometimes even more than friends...
Friends meet...
Sometimes after a long time...
Sometimes.. to meet for the last time...

A lot happens over coffee...
Self meets self...
Their own real inner self...
Self... that at times gets lost in the various emotions.. Jealousy... Disillusionment... Hurt... Joy too at times...
Here self meets self again...
"HI!! It has been a long time na??"

A lot happens over coffee...
Self gets over broken dream...
Self celebrates moving on from that broken dream...
Self formulates a new dream...

A lot happens over coffee...
Self just wants to disappear in self for sometime...
Self just wants to observe others...
The couple on a blind date on the next table...
Or the group of young boys with an appetite on the table in front...

Or simply...
Self is hungry... And a lot can be eaten with coffee...

Hehe... This is an effect of toooo much COFFFEE!!! =)