Random post about stuff I learnt in 2012 :P

I turned 25 and I wanted to write a long post about all the things that I think I have learnt. I wanted to write about what I think turning 25 is all about because honestly it seems like it is a big deal. Strangely I have hardly been able to write a word. All my thoughts are in this big huge bowl looking like mashed potatoes. I feel like 2012 just whooshed by and I haven't sat down and sifted through all the events of last year to really feel anything.  

I moved to Bombay middle of 2011. But life really started in 2012. And it has been like a roller coaster ride (cliched I know...). But here is a basic list of the things I learnt/realised/discovered etc...

You will mess up royally when you will - there is no age when people stop making mistakes so you will make some of your own from time to time - so cut yourself some slack!

I hurt a guy with a bright soul but lost eyes. And he reacted in a manner that hurt me too. Pretty much haven't met him all of 2012. But the worst thing was that I lost a few friends who I still consider inspirations.

I got a job but I am still broke.

Trusted too much - got massively soul crushingly hurt. But learnt some life shaping lessons.

Gave a second chance - which so far has not proved to be a mistake of epic proportions.

Fell in love - in a way I define love.

Travelled a lot and that has probably been the highlight of 2012 for me.

Realised that some of my principles and beliefs needed a little tweaking.

I learnt, sadly, that I live in a country that is not very accepting of who I am. I mean as a woman I live in a bubble of false security.

Being educated and being literate are two very very different things.

People can judge and people will judge - mercilessly - and there is no escape from that. Everyone does not need to like me. There is only so much one can do.

Thin people can get fat so one shouldn't just assume - oh I will never ever gain weight! And working out  is really REALLY boring.

Parents get older as you do... so call back and reply to texts - and to make life easier just introduce family to Whatsapp!

Loving food is a legitimate hobby and I am proud to list it as one - THANK YOU people who tweet about food and review food - I love you people.

I hate the word 'quirky' and am finally ok with being called 'sweet'.

Letting go is important but some grudges should be maintained.

Always - ALWAYS - have a contingency plan in place for everything in life.

You can only love someone truly when you learn to love yourself - accepting the baggage that you carry.

There are some people who are there for life - so never forget to thank them. There are also some people who you meet suddenly but they feel like you know them for a long time - cherish them - specially the female friends. Girlfriends show up - no matter what.

Don't say or do things that will make you hate yourself later - basic stuff that one forgets.

Drunk dialing is bad. Drunk texting is worse. AVOID.

Make some more mistakes - you are just 25. 

2012 was a year of drama... of meeting some people who looked like clones of some of my Delhi friends... of being lost but trying to be happy... and of finding a way to be ok with being THAT lost. I had not imagined my 25 to be like this. I had stupidly assumed that by now I would have all the answers - who I am, what my purpose in life is, who I wish to become etc. That was stupid. But I am glad it didn't turn out according to plan. Where is the fun in that right? :)

Him and Her

He was an alpha achiever. Smart. Good looking. Successful. All at the age of 27.

She was ambitious. Pretty. A smile that everyone raved about. With potential to be successful. And 24.

They made quite the couple – everyone said. At least everyone who knew they were dating.

He was admired and envied. And she was fun to talk to – always striking up conversations with strangers. They were both out to change the world. Together – it seemed.

She was sentimental. She loved taking care of him… Pandering to his whims… Celebrating his successes... Always ready to bend her stubbornness to make him smile. She wasn’t easy - Of course not.  She could be moody – at times like a dark grey cloud hovering over him. But still she tried. And it seemed he was happy. Didn’t he say so every day?

He was out to make her happy. He dropped her to work. Picked her up after work. He planned trips out of town with her. After all she loved traveling just as much as he did. He was attempting to be monogamous. She was appreciative of it. ‘I mean how many men can manage that in today’s times’, she told herself.

‘As long as he is honest’, she repeated in her head. ‘As long as he is honest…’

They were the golden couple. Her friends loved him. His friends were fond of her.

But then… why did he have this distant longing in his eyes? A longing for what… Friends? Or was he looking for companionship? Was she not proving to be a good companion? She rejoiced in his every success. And supported his every decision. They loved traveling and participated in each other’s interests.

So then... Why? Why could she not shake that feeling that this wasn’t enough for him? That somewhere he had come to believe that the right thing to do was to be by her but in reality he felt so far away.

She had decided not to snoop. She had sworn to herself that she will stop. But today she couldn’t. She had woken up with a horrible feeling. A feeling of confusion. A feeling she was not able to shake off.

He went for a shower. They were planning to go out into town. Grab a couple of beers. ‘It is a date’, he said and she was excited. They were so used to chilling together that dates weren’t really something they went for.

He went for a shower and she went for his phone.

Private messages.

**** she typed in the password. It seemed easy. Maybe he wanted her to be able to open it.

There it was.

At first she couldn’t sense anything wrong.

And then she felt it. She figured who she was.

That beautiful innocent girl. The one who would advise him not to drink so much.

‘Him: I miss you btw

Her: I miss you too.’

It felt like a weight had been lifted. She had finally found the answer.

 He was unhappy. Maybe not unhappy. But definitely not content. He wasn't looking for a friend. He was looking for a companion.

She realized then that she had dragged him too far. And without knowing she had cut him off from finding that companion. Who was she to ask him to pick her. Who was she to make him feel like he had wronged her. How had she managed to manipulate him like that. They had never really had a real relationship. The Girl had always been around. The Girl was equally entitled to his affections. And she had dragged him away.

‘How far can we go to keep this up while you lose out on finding the real ‘one’ for you?’, she wondered.

She should have left of course. Let him lose. But she couldn't do it today. She needed him to accept his desire to find a companion, before she left. So that he didn't repeat the cycle again. The cycle of living in denial.

He needed saving. She just needed his love for a little longer.

They went and drank those beers.

And suddenly there were two people with distant dark eyes.

Stranded

I chuckle everytime I see the Captcha (I may have misspelled this) ask me to prove I am not a robot.

I guess I am not one. I breathe. I eat. I sleep. I drink. I throw up. I laugh. I cry.

But lately I feel like one. I have nothing to do. I don't have a job yet. No one wants a 'just two years work ex' planner. No one wants to hire the young girl. So everyday I walk around doing the expected things. I apply to more places. Meet more people. Call home and convince them I am ok. I smile. I make conversation.
I keep repeating - I am ok. I am great.

I have realised that writing about failures in Love is so much easier. You always know that Love may be a losing game and is not in your control.

But writing about personal setbacks in your life plan is so much more difficult. I had a plan. Even though I know plans sometimes do not work out but I still had one. Suddenly that plan has gotten erased and I feel stranded. In a city with so many people I feel alone. Not because there is lack of support but because I never thought I would ever reach a point where I would need so much support. So I run from meeting my friends as I don't want to answer the questions. I avoid meeting E if I have a terrible day because I know I will rub it off on him.

And I refuse to go home, to Delhi, before I have something because the thought of walking into that city without a job here is a thought too difficult to bear.

Sometimes my roommate and I talk about our current situation. She says that one day we will look back at all this and savour the fact that we had to struggle to get what we want. I want to believe her. My other alternative is to believe that I failed and that maybe I chose the wrong path. THAT alternative would leave me no where.

Stranded on my personal misery island.

The next step...

I am not a sentimental person. I am about certain things but not all.

I have always taken my dreams very seriously. I compartmentalize them. Some are not in my control.. I cannot guide them or ensure their fulfillment.
But some dreams I know are guided NOT by destiny but solely by my mental capabilities and physical efforts. I am not sentimental about them.

When I first joined Advertising I did not know what I was doing there. And two years later I still did not think that I could visualise myself in this industry ten years later. Primarily because I do not think that far ahead ever when it comes to my career. I know my dreams, with respect to my career, will keep evolving. I will always want to branch out... Try something new.. Do something more... Push myself till I am too exhausted to move further. Because that is what I discovered about my personality when I first joined Advertising.

My first job at LB was what an ideal job should be like (according to me) where they compel you to jump into the deepest waters without you really knowing if you will swim or drown. That is how I learned how far I could go to get things done. I discovered this crazy desire to do great work. Not good. Not passable. But great work. I needed to excel. I needed to learn faster than expected. Actually my work demanded that I do so. I flourished. There were times when it got too much. This desire in me to keep pushing myself one step further. There were many times when I would stand alone in the loo and cry just because I needed to let off a little steam.

But in the two years that I spent there I realized that I could achieve. I did have potential. Most importantly I knew how to learn.

I quit LB last year in June because I wanted to get a PG diploma and I wanted to move to Bombay. Over the past 11 months while I was at XIC, many times I questioned my decision. Sometimes I cursed myself and sometimes I made peace with the fact that I needed to do this. But yet again I continued to culture my desire to learn.

Now XIC is done. I am supposed to take the next step and this time it isn't as easy as it was when I was first out of BBA. Because this time alot more is expected off me. And I personally expect way more with myself.

I am not sentimental about things. But I am very sentimental about this competition I have with myself to excel beyond imagination. I want to curb the part of me that riddles in self doubt and break the boundaries I create for myself. At times it is exhausting. But then again the high one gets post that exhaustion is indescribable.

Ego

'of course I have moved on. of course I don't care..."

And yet these words sounded so hollow in her head.
No she was not as paranoid as she always joked she was.
But yes she did have an ego that she claimed she didn't have.
The realization of this fact brought her face to face with the uncomfortable truth - she didn't know herself at all. She knew bits and pieces. But not the whole picture.

Her memories of the ill fated night and words she shouldn't have read, regularly gave her invisible slaps. Slaps that left marks only she could see.

But some things are worth second chances, she repeated in her head and received a nod from her heart.

For now she will bear the burn of the slaps of her memories hoping that time will bring her evidence that her choice was the right one.

'I may have an ego', she said, 'but the ego is not the master of me, rather it is my slave.'

An awful day and my people.

I am having a bad day.

The kind of day where all I really want is to have someone hold me and secure me in a tight warm cocoon.

I am feverish on a day before a very important college project. I feel like I will let down my team members by not being upto the mark. I feel low on confidence and incredibly whiny. And I feel like a needy human right now. A human who is reacting too much on things that are not so important!

All I want is to get through today and tomorrow unscathed. To get through without screaming at anyone. And without wanting someone.

That is also the issue. when did I start wanting someone's presence so much?
So ya sometimes people have other things to do and they don't show up when you need them or even when you have asked them many times. Big deal!

I have Ree, Puri and Swas. I have my mom and her beautiful voice. I have Chris and his jokes. I have my Dad and his pep talks. I have wonderful brothers who think I am a rockstar! I have all these people who I never write about. I think I should.

And it is moments like these when I realise just how much they do for me and how little I do back.

I love you people. You save me when I am drowning in my own fears. And you love me irrespective. :)

Prince charming who? :P

Nobody wants Prince Charming! It is Shrek we're all looking for.
The guy who will love us even when we look and act like ogres!

I think I may have found my Shrek :)
*fingers crossed*

smile

Smile
It is an important action
The world needs to see you that
Maybe every 30 secs, make it a min.

Smile
Because you don't have answers yet
And you don't want to answer yet

Smile
The world is watching
Some just need you to fall

Smile
Right now you are your only enemy
And still your only friend

Smile
And life will someday smile back
Life will someday respect your faith

Smile
And maybe. eventually.
It won't look so fake anymore.

Understanding me...

It is an odd predicament.
The concept of commitment...

Met an older brother (cousin) tonight. A really really fun guy ! Had some super entertaining conversation and then somewhere the question of commitment popped up.
He exclaimed how it doesn't quite exist. Or rather how highly undefined this word is. Sadly (or maybe it isn't so sad - can't figure out my feelings about it yet) I couldn't disagree with him. I could not stand back and argue passionately about the existence of commitment like I used to a few years back.

I have, after all, become a person who has no trust issues simply because she has no reason to trust.

I have a shell. Actually a box. Many a times on this blog I have mentioned it. Earlier I used to run into that box to hide. It used to be a box with minimal decor and no place to sit. I used to crouch on the floor then, waiting for my personal storm to pass.

Today it is a well settled, nicely done box. It has all the things I need to settle into it comfortably. So now I casually stroll in anytime I want. I don't run. I walk in because I want to. Because I have nothing more to give to anyone and nothing at all to run from.

I am not cold. I am completely the opposite. But this trust of mine and this love I have, I don't intend to give out so soon. Love restricted to just mere words in moments of intensity or passing remarks, isn't love at all. It is just what everyone wants to hear. Or something that is said to make the self feel better.
Love that is displayed through actions and love that you can say 'I love you too' to is the real deal.

Maybe the sign that I have evolved comes from the fact that I am not afraid anymore that I may not find that real deal. I am not worried that I do not know what in the world does commitment mean.

And I am finally out of all the things in my mind I had to burn.

'When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire' (a line from the song 'Your ex-lover is dead' by the Stars :)

Clean breaks and Lost innocence...

I am always in a hurry.
I always want to know everything about someone.
I need to investigate... inquire... scratch beneath the surface...

I am afterall a very open person.
But it struck me that maybe sometimes people don't want to open up instantly. They don't want you to know so soon the past moments in their lives. The moments of intense joy. And specially the moments when they felt that they couldn't go on anymore.

There are things too that I don't talk about. That I never want to even think about.
Maybe we all deserve a clean break from the past sometimes.
Is it wrong to have a fresh start and let the past be?

I got a weird message today from a man from my past. A long time ago he meant the world to me. And I felt sad knowing how much I had changed over the years.
I used to be more of a believer then.
I believed him with all my heart and innocence.
And I believed in love. The simple uncomplicated feeling of love.

Is that innocence lost now?
Have I seen too much to believe again?

Now people tell me how fragile the concept of Love and commitment is nowadays.
And I realise that maybe what I am looking for doesn't even exist.
It has stopped bothering me now. I have accepted and have gotten lost in this changing world.

the world that I don't understand.

About the place where I grew up - Delhi

I want to write about you.
Put your layers in words.
I need a place to start.
Something for the middle
And the end too is unclear.
But still
I want to write about you.
The way you dance
Under dim lights
Of foggy nights.
The way you cruise
On hot summer afternoons.
The way you hurt
The darkness of your dirt
Your alleys and corners
The open spaces hiding secrets.
I want to expose you
And your every single scar.
You are trapped aren’t you?
In the mindset of the migrants?
You are trapped in myths
And stereotypes built over years.
Your daughters feel trapped too.
Words and rules trap them
The wandering stares
And nimble hands violating
Their exposed bodies, trap them.
They will run one day.
But you already know that,
Don’t you?
Your daughters will leave,
One by one.
But wherever they go
They will always be looking
Over their shoulders.
Scared and submissive.
You didn’t prepare them
You forgot to teach them
How to live, how to grow.
I want to write about
Your failed role as a father.
I want to write about how
Loving you is natural,
But hating you is natural too.

The game...

It is a game...
I am on the losing side today.. Tonight I am going to crash and burn...
But my day to win shall come...
Not tomorrow... Not day after... Not for a long time...

But one day... Till then I will gracefully accept my defeat... And my mistakes..

sometimes when we walk back, the milestone has left...

In the words of the great Da who summarized my situation very well and kinda gave words to what the star was saying to me all along - 'Love me now, for I may wait no longer'

I just forgot to listen...

Blank

I feel like a blank page...
But no... You can't write on me anymore...
with your bright green pen... You can't put your thoughts on my pages anymore...

I have torn the pages away where you wrote earlier... I tore the pages and burnt them... saw the ash fly away into the dark night while I made smoke rings in the air...

I wish I was a slate... I could've just wiped away your words then...

The study

When I first met you, I hadn't seen you... I had read about you...
And every word about you trapped me in a state of extreme curiousity... who were you? why were you like this? were you really like this or just the author's imagination? was your personality being exaggerated? were you really THAT passionate?

I am addicted... first to the words and now to you...

I will find you... look for the words in your expressions... I will validate the theories...

Don't leave yet... the study isn't over...

I am...

Chaos.

Love.

Freedom.

Hope.

Rage.

I am...

Yours.

My father's pride.

My mother's dream.

I am...

Known.

Unknown.

I am...

Broken.

Hurt.

Searching.

I am...

Healing.

Still searching.

Fighting.

I am...

Waiting.

Confused.

Dreaming.

I am...

somebody

I am...

No one.