Welcome to my blog 'Achilles ka foot' :P

WHO is Achilles ka foot ???

well he is a guy who knows how to speak 15 languages including Ethernian and Gothamese!
He quotes Rajkumar dialogues and is the man who inspired the character Johnny Bravo!

I am humbled by your presence here Mister Achilles ka foot!! :P

While I was complaining about my life, someone with a complete life, a family, an awesome career passed away.. he passed away in his sleep because of a cardiac arrest and was in his early 40s...
I found out in the morning... the thing is I had met him once and I was completely blown away by the man's charisma and intelligence! He was one of those men in advertising you pray you get a chance to work with... and I was lucky to have been present in the same conference room as him... lucky to have heard him speak...
Ree actually studied under him at IIMC and she is heartbroken... there is a visible void in people who knew him...

My heart goes out to his family... I hope they get through this..

I dont know what to say.. I know that he left an impression in my mind...

For three months now I have tried to make it look like my life is under control.
For three months on a daily second basis I smile, I laugh, make friends, act positive but none of it is true.
My work is amazing. I love it.
I live at home with my mom and dad, and seeing them happy when I do tiny things for them makes me happy.
I live in a city that doesnt seem so claustrophobic anymore.
And yet there is something missing. All the time.
Like this big huge gaping hole in my heart. Even in my mind.

I have always been an optimist and whenever I feel like some particular thing in my life needs to be changed, I change it.
And yet this time I just don't know what it is.

I pray everyday. I seek divine intervention. I have no idea why am I feeling like my life isn't in my control anymore.
Loud music. Meeting people. Constant distractions. None of these are helping.

I would like to leave. Go somewhere else. ALONE. just for a while. I need perspective but the problem is I don't know what the problem is.

Is it the lack of one singular human being in my life that I can love? I doubt it.
I just need to leave. Escape for a while.

I cant smile anymore. My jaw hurts. MY head hurts. I am exhausted.

She looked up... it was still raining... she covered herself again... she preferred the anonymity that the umbrella gave her when it covered her... she preferred being invisible... than being visible to those who couldn't care less...

She wasn't depressed or unhappy or sad.. she was merely disillusioned... disillusionment didn't make her depressed or unhappy or sad.. it just made her shrug her shoulders and reach for her music player...

You see...
Music made everything glow... that was her escape... so she turned up the volume... inhaled the notes... and slowly... let loose her voice...
she sang... she felt every single word and note... it radiated from her entire physical form...
and she sang... her eyes shut tight.. she was dreaming of a different world.. she wasn't here anymore... she was in the middle of nowhere...
There were words... and phrases... and feelings flowing through her where previously flowed blood..
and she sang... there was no now or ever or forever or never... there was everything and nothing...
No one to tell her if she can.. or if she can't... No one she had to state any justifications to.. no one who needed to answer to her...

She was with the most important person in the world... herself... she was singing to the girl who got lost in the chaos...
Her voice was acting like the pipe of the Piped Piper of Hamelin...

And so she sang... with abandon... words of love, words of hurt, words of pain... with music in her ears...

You see.. Music always made everything glow...
And she was glowing again...
Faith restored, she looked up... it had stopped raining... she got up.. decided to meet reality again... a fresh new start.. a fresh new attempt.. maybe this time she wont get disillusioned.. maybe this time...

happy posts... someday...

There will come a day when I too will write happy posts...

and till then this steaming cup of chai can keep me company on cloudy evenings and mornings, when I feel cloudier than the skies above...

I too will find consistency in life..
But till then my mind can wander aimlessly... I can swing from being a ray of sunshine to being a thundering storm...
I have no anchor yet... I am a stringless kite rising higher and higher only to slowly fall again...

I wish... every night I wish for a sign.. I live in hope of divine intervention... But till I see the sign... my colorful pens and paper are my escape... I will write my sadness into you...

To many my sadness is nothing but a frivolous creation of a naive 22 year old... sometimes even I believe so...

But till I am convinced... I will keep running... till I find that perfect point where I don't need no one anymore... maybe that is the thing...

it's a quest to learn to be alone... to have love for yourself that is more than enough, that you don't need anyone else to love you...

And with every passing day... I feel more alienated... from everything that I remembered of you...
with every passing day... I disappear a little more... from us...

When you start working for the first time and if the place you work in is a place that you enjoy going to then you form an attachment with the people..
and when these people slowly move ahead in life and shift to other agencies, there is a sense of sadness you feel coupled with happiness for their achievements..

Here's wishing my sweetest awesoment bada bhai and a senior I have learnt sooo much from.. Mr. Priyanshu Pande.. All the very best! you are truly one of a kind...

Thank You! You made work so much fun... :)

And yes I am sad that I wont get to walk in to office and hear your funny one liners which get repeated again and again ! :P

This is one more thing I have learnt from experience...

if a guy tells you that you're like a guy and he can chill with you like he chills with his guy buddies. And this particular guy who is saying these things to you is a guy you want romantically, then sorry you just got royally caught in the friend zone!

If you are a guy and the girl you like romantically just told you that she can talk to you like she talks to her chick friends... then well.. that's all you will be.. her chick friend in a guy's body!

The number of times I have been called a 'dude' 'bhai' etc etc by guys I like, I could become everyone's universal brother!! And the funny bit is that I am as girly as it gets... people say it is in my attitude.. Honestly the attitude is getting worrying now... :P

I mean just imagine a setting where I am alone with the boy (FINALLY!),we're looking into each other's eyes and I am thinking 'how romantic' while he's pouring his heart out about his ex gf's, how they treated him, his boss's devious plans to bug him etc etc... And I am thinking 'awwww he can share his deepest secrets with me!' while he's thinking 'wow! she's a dude who I can share my thoughts with!'... I basically just became the boy's personal Agony Aunt and his newly found best friend!

*sigh*

While she waited for love...
Spent her days wishing for a man she couldn't have...
While she cried silent tears...
And prayed to whoever it may concern
to give her answers...
While she spent her nights awake...
And her days immersed in piles of paper...
While she stared vacant eyed...
And lost hope.. slowly and steadily...

He sat behind her..
Hoping she will turn around once..
He walked across her...
Hoping she would call to him once...
He lay underneath her feet...
Caught her when she fell...
With his invisible hands...
The hands she never saw or understood..

And so every time she thought she was going to drift away..
There was a thin thread of his hope holding her.. stopping her from floating away..

Before life passes both of them... someday maybe.. she will turn around and he wont be invisible anymore..
Her answers are infront of her.. If only she sees it...

A regret and V...

'If I were a painter, I would paint a memory..'


We get attracted to people for different reasons. It may begin with an attraction to their physical presence or to a particular thought of theirs that hooks you to them, but the real attraction that you feel gets created for reasons not so usual.

So I like V, for his insane curiosity for things around him.. for the impulse that he shows when it comes to travelling.. for his knowledge.. for his way of repeating what I say when he finds it funny.. for that laugh that becomes soundless when he laughs too hard.. for his 'hmmms and rightos'.. for his methodical way of switching channels on TV (first news, then science kinda channels etc etc.. i mean i found that just plain funny!).. for the endless conversations we would have.. for competing on the kind of questions we could ask each other.. for his honesty.. and his smile :)

I like him most importantly for a feeling I cant describe..

But that is not the point.. The point is that life is all about timing and phases. Here both just jumped out of the window.
And for the first time I regret majorly... I know I could have done things differently.. I could have NOT pushed so much... And I wish I could explain that I was just scared... scared that this was like a dream and if I shut my eyes for a moment, it'll crumble... and it did..

I could have done things differently... and if I could rewind, I wouldn't rush you.. I would listen more... feel every moment again...

But that's not possible.. and so I am sorry.. that our last words shared were so strained.. that I made you feel so terrible... that wasn't my intent.. I haven't given up though..

I am waiting.. Sitting on a milestone... on this journey we'd started.. and if ever you decide to pass by this route again and wave... I will wave back and we'll start the journey again from where we'd stopped. Maybe someday the timing and phases could align themselves... :)

One year. One whole year of learning and falling.. and getting up again...

And now I want more.. I refuse to believe that this is it... that once you start working, your life becomes just what work has to offer.

Can anyone grow at all if this is what they believe in? I mean there is a world out there waiting to be discovered by us... A world we have just heard of..

I think it is time to move...
To try something new...
Maybe I'll hate the change but if I dont take a step I'll just keep wondering what is on the other side...

I am exhausted honestly... with the monotony... with the complacent person I feel i am becoming.. I'd rather make some mistakes than be perfect in my lil well...

For a change I want to feel happy without needing someone else to make me feel it..
I want to wake up early without a reason..
Do something without the need of a purpose..

I really am Old School!

Hehehe.. I recharged my phone online for the first time and I was so kicked about it, that one would think I have landed on the moon or something :P

what is this compatibility people keep harping about??
Around me I see people with such differing personalities falling in love and sticking it out.. So there is a 'vivacious-honest-to-your-face' RB married to 'calm as an ocean' Jizu... And then there is 'the anchor' N married to 'flying like a kite' T...
These people make me believe that for a relationship to work all that is required is effort :).. And the belief of love with respect.. I guess :)

Guess who's back and is planning to be regular :P

from time to time I stop blogging because I start feeling judged.. Or I feel 'crap! Look at what I'm writing!'.. I've decided to stop trying to be the best at this one thing.. Writing.. It's my only way to express.. So I figure it isn't about being great.. It is about me.. :)
It feels great to be back!!

I am not a boy :P

is it funny that I don't know what it feels like to be wooed?? You know! Being wooed... like a girl is by a guy who truly desires her...

Don't get me wrong... I like it that guys get soooo comfortable around me that they start treating me like a guy (even the ones Ive dated... Hasn't anyone ever wondered why is it that each and every ex of mine is a great friend now? :P).. actually who am I kidding! I hate it! I don't want to hear one more boy say 'you're soooo sweet' i mean really?? Is that all? sweet! :P..
When I look at things from a third person's view i think it's not sooo bad.. I met some amazing guys who loved me.. Unfortunately or fortunately they wanted me to be their best friend rather than the gf..

But now I'd really liked to be wooed... I'd like some flowers and like to be treated like a girl... a lil mush and a lil pampering never hurt anyone ;)

Everyday we grow just a little older...
Whether we grow smarter or not is, I believe, a point of view..

I believe I am not growing smarter.. I am just becoming more aware... in some things more rigid..

I love the layers...
The depth...
of you and me...

Things change but we dont..
I love the silent glances
I love the sudden quiet..
I love the songs and the desperate calls..

We have decided to hide..
the need to disappear..
from the ones who care..

Maybe they care too much..

I dont want to erase...
I cant..

I am no clementine..

I am just a moment..
That passed...
We are just a moment..
We hoped that we'd hold it and make time stand still..

But we are mortals as well..

I love that we are flawed..
I love that we have the strength in us to accept that...

I love that I love you... Today and definitely tomorrow..

But I love that I know and so do you..
that we are just a figment of our imagination.. we are creators of perfect situations.. we blind and are blinded..

here's to you and here's to me...
here's to us and our dreams... some fulfilled and some forgotten..