For three months now I have tried to make it look like my life is under control.
For three months on a daily second basis I smile, I laugh, make friends, act positive but none of it is true.
My work is amazing. I love it.
I live at home with my mom and dad, and seeing them happy when I do tiny things for them makes me happy.
I live in a city that doesnt seem so claustrophobic anymore.
And yet there is something missing. All the time.
Like this big huge gaping hole in my heart. Even in my mind.

I have always been an optimist and whenever I feel like some particular thing in my life needs to be changed, I change it.
And yet this time I just don't know what it is.

I pray everyday. I seek divine intervention. I have no idea why am I feeling like my life isn't in my control anymore.
Loud music. Meeting people. Constant distractions. None of these are helping.

I would like to leave. Go somewhere else. ALONE. just for a while. I need perspective but the problem is I don't know what the problem is.

Is it the lack of one singular human being in my life that I can love? I doubt it.
I just need to leave. Escape for a while.

I cant smile anymore. My jaw hurts. MY head hurts. I am exhausted.