Stranded

I chuckle everytime I see the Captcha (I may have misspelled this) ask me to prove I am not a robot.

I guess I am not one. I breathe. I eat. I sleep. I drink. I throw up. I laugh. I cry.

But lately I feel like one. I have nothing to do. I don't have a job yet. No one wants a 'just two years work ex' planner. No one wants to hire the young girl. So everyday I walk around doing the expected things. I apply to more places. Meet more people. Call home and convince them I am ok. I smile. I make conversation.
I keep repeating - I am ok. I am great.

I have realised that writing about failures in Love is so much easier. You always know that Love may be a losing game and is not in your control.

But writing about personal setbacks in your life plan is so much more difficult. I had a plan. Even though I know plans sometimes do not work out but I still had one. Suddenly that plan has gotten erased and I feel stranded. In a city with so many people I feel alone. Not because there is lack of support but because I never thought I would ever reach a point where I would need so much support. So I run from meeting my friends as I don't want to answer the questions. I avoid meeting E if I have a terrible day because I know I will rub it off on him.

And I refuse to go home, to Delhi, before I have something because the thought of walking into that city without a job here is a thought too difficult to bear.

Sometimes my roommate and I talk about our current situation. She says that one day we will look back at all this and savour the fact that we had to struggle to get what we want. I want to believe her. My other alternative is to believe that I failed and that maybe I chose the wrong path. THAT alternative would leave me no where.

Stranded on my personal misery island.

An awful day and my people.

I am having a bad day.

The kind of day where all I really want is to have someone hold me and secure me in a tight warm cocoon.

I am feverish on a day before a very important college project. I feel like I will let down my team members by not being upto the mark. I feel low on confidence and incredibly whiny. And I feel like a needy human right now. A human who is reacting too much on things that are not so important!

All I want is to get through today and tomorrow unscathed. To get through without screaming at anyone. And without wanting someone.

That is also the issue. when did I start wanting someone's presence so much?
So ya sometimes people have other things to do and they don't show up when you need them or even when you have asked them many times. Big deal!

I have Ree, Puri and Swas. I have my mom and her beautiful voice. I have Chris and his jokes. I have my Dad and his pep talks. I have wonderful brothers who think I am a rockstar! I have all these people who I never write about. I think I should.

And it is moments like these when I realise just how much they do for me and how little I do back.

I love you people. You save me when I am drowning in my own fears. And you love me irrespective. :)