Random post about stuff I learnt in 2012 :P

I turned 25 and I wanted to write a long post about all the things that I think I have learnt. I wanted to write about what I think turning 25 is all about because honestly it seems like it is a big deal. Strangely I have hardly been able to write a word. All my thoughts are in this big huge bowl looking like mashed potatoes. I feel like 2012 just whooshed by and I haven't sat down and sifted through all the events of last year to really feel anything.  

I moved to Bombay middle of 2011. But life really started in 2012. And it has been like a roller coaster ride (cliched I know...). But here is a basic list of the things I learnt/realised/discovered etc...

You will mess up royally when you will - there is no age when people stop making mistakes so you will make some of your own from time to time - so cut yourself some slack!

I hurt a guy with a bright soul but lost eyes. And he reacted in a manner that hurt me too. Pretty much haven't met him all of 2012. But the worst thing was that I lost a few friends who I still consider inspirations.

I got a job but I am still broke.

Trusted too much - got massively soul crushingly hurt. But learnt some life shaping lessons.

Gave a second chance - which so far has not proved to be a mistake of epic proportions.

Fell in love - in a way I define love.

Travelled a lot and that has probably been the highlight of 2012 for me.

Realised that some of my principles and beliefs needed a little tweaking.

I learnt, sadly, that I live in a country that is not very accepting of who I am. I mean as a woman I live in a bubble of false security.

Being educated and being literate are two very very different things.

People can judge and people will judge - mercilessly - and there is no escape from that. Everyone does not need to like me. There is only so much one can do.

Thin people can get fat so one shouldn't just assume - oh I will never ever gain weight! And working out  is really REALLY boring.

Parents get older as you do... so call back and reply to texts - and to make life easier just introduce family to Whatsapp!

Loving food is a legitimate hobby and I am proud to list it as one - THANK YOU people who tweet about food and review food - I love you people.

I hate the word 'quirky' and am finally ok with being called 'sweet'.

Letting go is important but some grudges should be maintained.

Always - ALWAYS - have a contingency plan in place for everything in life.

You can only love someone truly when you learn to love yourself - accepting the baggage that you carry.

There are some people who are there for life - so never forget to thank them. There are also some people who you meet suddenly but they feel like you know them for a long time - cherish them - specially the female friends. Girlfriends show up - no matter what.

Don't say or do things that will make you hate yourself later - basic stuff that one forgets.

Drunk dialing is bad. Drunk texting is worse. AVOID.

Make some more mistakes - you are just 25. 

2012 was a year of drama... of meeting some people who looked like clones of some of my Delhi friends... of being lost but trying to be happy... and of finding a way to be ok with being THAT lost. I had not imagined my 25 to be like this. I had stupidly assumed that by now I would have all the answers - who I am, what my purpose in life is, who I wish to become etc. That was stupid. But I am glad it didn't turn out according to plan. Where is the fun in that right? :)

Him and Her

He was an alpha achiever. Smart. Good looking. Successful. All at the age of 27.

She was ambitious. Pretty. A smile that everyone raved about. With potential to be successful. And 24.

They made quite the couple – everyone said. At least everyone who knew they were dating.

He was admired and envied. And she was fun to talk to – always striking up conversations with strangers. They were both out to change the world. Together – it seemed.

She was sentimental. She loved taking care of him… Pandering to his whims… Celebrating his successes... Always ready to bend her stubbornness to make him smile. She wasn’t easy - Of course not.  She could be moody – at times like a dark grey cloud hovering over him. But still she tried. And it seemed he was happy. Didn’t he say so every day?

He was out to make her happy. He dropped her to work. Picked her up after work. He planned trips out of town with her. After all she loved traveling just as much as he did. He was attempting to be monogamous. She was appreciative of it. ‘I mean how many men can manage that in today’s times’, she told herself.

‘As long as he is honest’, she repeated in her head. ‘As long as he is honest…’

They were the golden couple. Her friends loved him. His friends were fond of her.

But then… why did he have this distant longing in his eyes? A longing for what… Friends? Or was he looking for companionship? Was she not proving to be a good companion? She rejoiced in his every success. And supported his every decision. They loved traveling and participated in each other’s interests.

So then... Why? Why could she not shake that feeling that this wasn’t enough for him? That somewhere he had come to believe that the right thing to do was to be by her but in reality he felt so far away.

She had decided not to snoop. She had sworn to herself that she will stop. But today she couldn’t. She had woken up with a horrible feeling. A feeling of confusion. A feeling she was not able to shake off.

He went for a shower. They were planning to go out into town. Grab a couple of beers. ‘It is a date’, he said and she was excited. They were so used to chilling together that dates weren’t really something they went for.

He went for a shower and she went for his phone.

Private messages.

**** she typed in the password. It seemed easy. Maybe he wanted her to be able to open it.

There it was.

At first she couldn’t sense anything wrong.

And then she felt it. She figured who she was.

That beautiful innocent girl. The one who would advise him not to drink so much.

‘Him: I miss you btw

Her: I miss you too.’

It felt like a weight had been lifted. She had finally found the answer.

 He was unhappy. Maybe not unhappy. But definitely not content. He wasn't looking for a friend. He was looking for a companion.

She realized then that she had dragged him too far. And without knowing she had cut him off from finding that companion. Who was she to ask him to pick her. Who was she to make him feel like he had wronged her. How had she managed to manipulate him like that. They had never really had a real relationship. The Girl had always been around. The Girl was equally entitled to his affections. And she had dragged him away.

‘How far can we go to keep this up while you lose out on finding the real ‘one’ for you?’, she wondered.

She should have left of course. Let him lose. But she couldn't do it today. She needed him to accept his desire to find a companion, before she left. So that he didn't repeat the cycle again. The cycle of living in denial.

He needed saving. She just needed his love for a little longer.

They went and drank those beers.

And suddenly there were two people with distant dark eyes.

Prince charming who? :P

Nobody wants Prince Charming! It is Shrek we're all looking for.
The guy who will love us even when we look and act like ogres!

I think I may have found my Shrek :)
*fingers crossed*

About the place where I grew up - Delhi

I want to write about you.
Put your layers in words.
I need a place to start.
Something for the middle
And the end too is unclear.
But still
I want to write about you.
The way you dance
Under dim lights
Of foggy nights.
The way you cruise
On hot summer afternoons.
The way you hurt
The darkness of your dirt
Your alleys and corners
The open spaces hiding secrets.
I want to expose you
And your every single scar.
You are trapped aren’t you?
In the mindset of the migrants?
You are trapped in myths
And stereotypes built over years.
Your daughters feel trapped too.
Words and rules trap them
The wandering stares
And nimble hands violating
Their exposed bodies, trap them.
They will run one day.
But you already know that,
Don’t you?
Your daughters will leave,
One by one.
But wherever they go
They will always be looking
Over their shoulders.
Scared and submissive.
You didn’t prepare them
You forgot to teach them
How to live, how to grow.
I want to write about
Your failed role as a father.
I want to write about how
Loving you is natural,
But hating you is natural too.

additions to my blue box

For nights that don't end
For moments that last a lifetime
For sigh's that remain in the eyes long after they've escaped the lips
For the but's and the maybe's
For the many mistakes and then apologies
For the rants and the reactions
For the pursuing and leaving and pursuing again
For being asked to leave
For the stars and the similes and metaphors
For the music and the origin of it all
For never letting you feel the chaos
For always letting you feel the after effects
For the dreams and the process of building them
For our perfectly imperfect world
For when I don't understand
For all the times I understand to the last word
For holding on and letting go
For all these and much more

I apologize and then I don't...
These are trapped in my box of memories now... These are part of my blue box...
I shall visit them often... Reminisce about happy times and the worst times... Always with a smile...
Raise my glass to your patience and to your beliefs... And a new beginning...