Between

Between you and me
There is someone else.
Peeking, prying, waiting.
For me to look away
For you to stumble
For us to
Give up.

Who will blink first?

Him and Her

He was an alpha achiever. Smart. Good looking. Successful. All at the age of 27.

She was ambitious. Pretty. A smile that everyone raved about. With potential to be successful. And 24.

They made quite the couple – everyone said. At least everyone who knew they were dating.

He was admired and envied. And she was fun to talk to – always striking up conversations with strangers. They were both out to change the world. Together – it seemed.

She was sentimental. She loved taking care of him… Pandering to his whims… Celebrating his successes... Always ready to bend her stubbornness to make him smile. She wasn’t easy - Of course not.  She could be moody – at times like a dark grey cloud hovering over him. But still she tried. And it seemed he was happy. Didn’t he say so every day?

He was out to make her happy. He dropped her to work. Picked her up after work. He planned trips out of town with her. After all she loved traveling just as much as he did. He was attempting to be monogamous. She was appreciative of it. ‘I mean how many men can manage that in today’s times’, she told herself.

‘As long as he is honest’, she repeated in her head. ‘As long as he is honest…’

They were the golden couple. Her friends loved him. His friends were fond of her.

But then… why did he have this distant longing in his eyes? A longing for what… Friends? Or was he looking for companionship? Was she not proving to be a good companion? She rejoiced in his every success. And supported his every decision. They loved traveling and participated in each other’s interests.

So then... Why? Why could she not shake that feeling that this wasn’t enough for him? That somewhere he had come to believe that the right thing to do was to be by her but in reality he felt so far away.

She had decided not to snoop. She had sworn to herself that she will stop. But today she couldn’t. She had woken up with a horrible feeling. A feeling of confusion. A feeling she was not able to shake off.

He went for a shower. They were planning to go out into town. Grab a couple of beers. ‘It is a date’, he said and she was excited. They were so used to chilling together that dates weren’t really something they went for.

He went for a shower and she went for his phone.

Private messages.

**** she typed in the password. It seemed easy. Maybe he wanted her to be able to open it.

There it was.

At first she couldn’t sense anything wrong.

And then she felt it. She figured who she was.

That beautiful innocent girl. The one who would advise him not to drink so much.

‘Him: I miss you btw

Her: I miss you too.’

It felt like a weight had been lifted. She had finally found the answer.

 He was unhappy. Maybe not unhappy. But definitely not content. He wasn't looking for a friend. He was looking for a companion.

She realized then that she had dragged him too far. And without knowing she had cut him off from finding that companion. Who was she to ask him to pick her. Who was she to make him feel like he had wronged her. How had she managed to manipulate him like that. They had never really had a real relationship. The Girl had always been around. The Girl was equally entitled to his affections. And she had dragged him away.

‘How far can we go to keep this up while you lose out on finding the real ‘one’ for you?’, she wondered.

She should have left of course. Let him lose. But she couldn't do it today. She needed him to accept his desire to find a companion, before she left. So that he didn't repeat the cycle again. The cycle of living in denial.

He needed saving. She just needed his love for a little longer.

They went and drank those beers.

And suddenly there were two people with distant dark eyes.

Reasons

Too liberal.
Too sweet.
Too distant.
Too sweet.
Not crazy enough.
Crazy.
Too real.
Not mysterious enough.
Kid.
Sorry...
Too distant.
Too close.
Not you.
.
..
...
..
.
Boring.

The Dirty Word

There is a dirty word.
A word that is more taboo than most words really.
A word, when you discover, most automatically pushes you into denial.
We say - aaah it is the affliction of the mighty - it can't possibly be true for me.
I mean I am young and finding my feet and part of the growing middle class in urban India right?
This dirty word is only for the rich and famous. Maybe the rich and famous in the America or maybe the emotional romanticised Europe.
Not us. Not you. Not me.
We don't know this word. If we bump into it, we ignore it.
We brush it behind beautiful poetry and cryptic syllables.

Depression is a dirty word.

I think most urban young people of my generation are still dealing with breaking out of conservative moral codes to actually worry about depression. There is no time you see.
Women hide behind - 'oh I must be pmsing'. While men call it the stress of the job.
But is it really just that?

Also there is this imagery that the concept of depression carries in our heads. Psychiatrists. Pills. Crazy people. How I wish it were that simple and easy to figure out?
Sadly it isn't.
It is complex and has degrees.

I have ignored my moods and bouts of sadness for years. Lately I decided to change my plan.
I face it. I tell Ree. I inform. I write about it. I analyse it till Depression itself gets tired.
I look it in the eye and say that to a certain degree feeling like this is ok. I do that so I know that I need to reach out if it gets to a degree beyond normal.

I will not run from you. I will embrace you. Maybe then we'll find a way to make you clean again.

Stranded

I chuckle everytime I see the Captcha (I may have misspelled this) ask me to prove I am not a robot.

I guess I am not one. I breathe. I eat. I sleep. I drink. I throw up. I laugh. I cry.

But lately I feel like one. I have nothing to do. I don't have a job yet. No one wants a 'just two years work ex' planner. No one wants to hire the young girl. So everyday I walk around doing the expected things. I apply to more places. Meet more people. Call home and convince them I am ok. I smile. I make conversation.
I keep repeating - I am ok. I am great.

I have realised that writing about failures in Love is so much easier. You always know that Love may be a losing game and is not in your control.

But writing about personal setbacks in your life plan is so much more difficult. I had a plan. Even though I know plans sometimes do not work out but I still had one. Suddenly that plan has gotten erased and I feel stranded. In a city with so many people I feel alone. Not because there is lack of support but because I never thought I would ever reach a point where I would need so much support. So I run from meeting my friends as I don't want to answer the questions. I avoid meeting E if I have a terrible day because I know I will rub it off on him.

And I refuse to go home, to Delhi, before I have something because the thought of walking into that city without a job here is a thought too difficult to bear.

Sometimes my roommate and I talk about our current situation. She says that one day we will look back at all this and savour the fact that we had to struggle to get what we want. I want to believe her. My other alternative is to believe that I failed and that maybe I chose the wrong path. THAT alternative would leave me no where.

Stranded on my personal misery island.

Thud

Hitting rock bottom isn't instant.
It is painfully slow.
You think you are there... only to realise you are still falling.
Much like falling in love I suppose.

Love is a free fall. And sometimes you look up and see that you are the only one experiencing it...

ashes

the world is not my enemy.
you are not my enemy.
i am my own worst enemy.
also my critic.

i will rise.
from the ashes if required.

The next step...

I am not a sentimental person. I am about certain things but not all.

I have always taken my dreams very seriously. I compartmentalize them. Some are not in my control.. I cannot guide them or ensure their fulfillment.
But some dreams I know are guided NOT by destiny but solely by my mental capabilities and physical efforts. I am not sentimental about them.

When I first joined Advertising I did not know what I was doing there. And two years later I still did not think that I could visualise myself in this industry ten years later. Primarily because I do not think that far ahead ever when it comes to my career. I know my dreams, with respect to my career, will keep evolving. I will always want to branch out... Try something new.. Do something more... Push myself till I am too exhausted to move further. Because that is what I discovered about my personality when I first joined Advertising.

My first job at LB was what an ideal job should be like (according to me) where they compel you to jump into the deepest waters without you really knowing if you will swim or drown. That is how I learned how far I could go to get things done. I discovered this crazy desire to do great work. Not good. Not passable. But great work. I needed to excel. I needed to learn faster than expected. Actually my work demanded that I do so. I flourished. There were times when it got too much. This desire in me to keep pushing myself one step further. There were many times when I would stand alone in the loo and cry just because I needed to let off a little steam.

But in the two years that I spent there I realized that I could achieve. I did have potential. Most importantly I knew how to learn.

I quit LB last year in June because I wanted to get a PG diploma and I wanted to move to Bombay. Over the past 11 months while I was at XIC, many times I questioned my decision. Sometimes I cursed myself and sometimes I made peace with the fact that I needed to do this. But yet again I continued to culture my desire to learn.

Now XIC is done. I am supposed to take the next step and this time it isn't as easy as it was when I was first out of BBA. Because this time alot more is expected off me. And I personally expect way more with myself.

I am not sentimental about things. But I am very sentimental about this competition I have with myself to excel beyond imagination. I want to curb the part of me that riddles in self doubt and break the boundaries I create for myself. At times it is exhausting. But then again the high one gets post that exhaustion is indescribable.

Satyamev Jayate - the criticism that followed

We have issues with people who do not initiate dialogue.
When asked to initiate a dialogue towards awareness we put our hands up and say - who are we and who will listen to us?!
When given a platform and an education to do so we shake our heads and say - WE, the middle class, need to feed ourselves and sustain our lifestyles and THIS does not pay.

So here is a person who has covered all bases and is trying to initiate a dialogue - he has the audience, the content researched by an able team and he has created a format that an average individual can understand.

And NO the show isn't perfect but nothing really is.
Is he pushing his image? Maybe so.
Is he making a profit? I really don't know.
But are people watching? Yes they are.

And THAT to me is good enough reason for Aamir Khan to be up there shedding a few tears while he does educate many on the basics of some very important issues.

It is reality content but it is better content than what I see on most days. 
Sometimes one wholehearted or even half-hearted initiation of dialogue brings people together who can actually make a difference.
If an average Indian learns of a thing called CHILDLINE via Satyamev Jayate, it is a start. Embrace it. Don't stop criticizing but don't negate the entire show's futility either.

Better with you

There is a song. It speaks volumes to me.
Better with you  by Ben Kweller

I am a mess. Right now I am a mess. A basket case with chaos surrounding me. Some days I feel like I am falling into a big hole lined with people laughing at me. And even in this state of mind, I am better with you. For you I try. I know you and I are on different pages. Maybe on different chapters as well. But it is ok. I like this difference.

'Even at my best, I am better with you.'

I am lost. And confused. Many things I thought I had a grip on are slipping like sand. But I would let you take me anywhere. Because yes it IS better with you.

I will never change you. Never. You are my Shrek. Imperfectly perfect... always.

Roots

So most people tell me how one has very distinct singular roots. How one belongs to one community. As a kid that troubled me. I was born a Bengali. I was born in a quiet city called Midnapur in West Bengal. And I grew up all over India.
Primarily in Punjab. And before I knew it I felt and behaved like one.

But that is the thing. My roots have kept evolving throughout.

I do not have singular roots. I have roots in many places and in many cultures. I find my roots in Pune too. The city where I came of age. The city that broke my heart, mended it and taught me to be an adult.

My roots also lie in Delhi. A city I defend and criticize with equal passion. A city I cry for when I am away.

Now I live in Bombay and am slowly forming connections here. Slowly absorbing the essence of what makes it the way it is.

I have figured that I form these roots not just because of what I absorb but also because of people I interact with. The ones I meet... The ones who influence me... The ones who leave... It all contributes to small parts of what makes me and the stories behind the creation of these parts.

 

Over the years the realization of all this helped me come to terms with the fact that I am and will always be a khanabadosh. I will forever carry my home on my shoulders forming roots around the world. And THAT is quite a fun realization :)

Ego

'of course I have moved on. of course I don't care..."

And yet these words sounded so hollow in her head.
No she was not as paranoid as she always joked she was.
But yes she did have an ego that she claimed she didn't have.
The realization of this fact brought her face to face with the uncomfortable truth - she didn't know herself at all. She knew bits and pieces. But not the whole picture.

Her memories of the ill fated night and words she shouldn't have read, regularly gave her invisible slaps. Slaps that left marks only she could see.

But some things are worth second chances, she repeated in her head and received a nod from her heart.

For now she will bear the burn of the slaps of her memories hoping that time will bring her evidence that her choice was the right one.

'I may have an ego', she said, 'but the ego is not the master of me, rather it is my slave.'

An awful day and my people.

I am having a bad day.

The kind of day where all I really want is to have someone hold me and secure me in a tight warm cocoon.

I am feverish on a day before a very important college project. I feel like I will let down my team members by not being upto the mark. I feel low on confidence and incredibly whiny. And I feel like a needy human right now. A human who is reacting too much on things that are not so important!

All I want is to get through today and tomorrow unscathed. To get through without screaming at anyone. And without wanting someone.

That is also the issue. when did I start wanting someone's presence so much?
So ya sometimes people have other things to do and they don't show up when you need them or even when you have asked them many times. Big deal!

I have Ree, Puri and Swas. I have my mom and her beautiful voice. I have Chris and his jokes. I have my Dad and his pep talks. I have wonderful brothers who think I am a rockstar! I have all these people who I never write about. I think I should.

And it is moments like these when I realise just how much they do for me and how little I do back.

I love you people. You save me when I am drowning in my own fears. And you love me irrespective. :)

My version of 'Having a coke with you by Frank O'Hara'

So I wrote my own version of 'Having A Coke With You' which is a poem by Frank O'Hara.
The original is amazing !

Below is my version :)


Having a beer with you
is much more fun than walking around a second hand bookstore
sniffing the lovely smell of old books

Having a beer with you
is much more soothing than the best Blues songs ever played
and the most insane piece of saxophone craziness gets trumped by that smile you carry

Having a beer with you
is even more amazing when I hear the words that flow out of your mouth
like a song that doesn't need to rhyme and yet is music to one's ears

Having a beer with you
is much more exciting than the long twisted unexplored lanes of South Bombay
and more surprising than the shops that surround Fort

I look at you
and I realise that my eyes were a waste before I saw you with them
That my smile was nothing but a light breeze before I smiled at you

I look at you
and I want to keep looking
sometimes protectively, sometimes lovingly, sometimes just like that

I look at you
and all chaos is logic suddenly
and life holds a higher reason, a reason I needn't know yet

So come with me
Let's have that beer, shall we? :)

Prince charming who? :P

Nobody wants Prince Charming! It is Shrek we're all looking for.
The guy who will love us even when we look and act like ogres!

I think I may have found my Shrek :)
*fingers crossed*

a tale post the fairy tale

The damsel woke up from her dream
only to find her Knight's armour
shining for someone else.

Her kiss had left nothing
but rust.

smile

Smile
It is an important action
The world needs to see you that
Maybe every 30 secs, make it a min.

Smile
Because you don't have answers yet
And you don't want to answer yet

Smile
The world is watching
Some just need you to fall

Smile
Right now you are your only enemy
And still your only friend

Smile
And life will someday smile back
Life will someday respect your faith

Smile
And maybe. eventually.
It won't look so fake anymore.

The value of appreciation

The eternal question for every writer is this.

Are you writing for yourself or for someone else?
Does it matter if no one ever reads it or rather the person you have written about, never reads it or you want him/her to read and react to your words?

What makes u sadder - everyone reading it but not him/her or no one reading it but him/her?

It is funny really how sometimes the only appreciation we seek is from that special someone. Sometimes all we want is for him/her to look at us and say that WE inspire them too. Don't get me wrong. It isn't that we need their appreciation to define our worth. But I guess we need their appreciation because when someone you love pats you on your back, the value of that pat is way more than a million acquaintances telling you how amazing you are :)

I guess...

An old post but my favourite post - The Umbrella

I stood behind the tree waiting…
I had carefully placed the ‘umbrella’ on his door…
Our special HUGE umbrella that had kept us dry and close through so many days of rain…

The placing of the umbrella was such that when he opened the door, it would fall right at his feet… After making sure the arrangement was perfect, I had rung the doorbell three times and had run for cover… The tree seemed perfect… So I stood there… waiting… wondering…

And just then the door opened and ‘thump’ went the umbrella at someone’s feet (I couldn’t see who it was yet)

Then the stranger stepped out into the sun holding the umbrella and yes it was him!! He looked around and then at the umbrella he held, with that surprised curious expression I was so used to seeing…

He was reading the note I’d stuck on the front of our shared possession.

“1. Lift the Umbrella over your head.
2. Open the Umbrella while positioned over your head.
3. And don’t worry! It is not a bomb and it wont bite!
- S”

And still with that same expression intact on his face he did as was written…

Voila!!!

Out came lots and lots and lots of pictures… Our pictures... Clicked over the months we were a couple… tumbling down in two’s and three’s all over him!!

For a moment there was a look of utter confusion on his face!
And then he read the second note… stuck right in the middle of the umbrella


“Our love might have faded away….
But why let the memories go the same direction?
Leaving you a few of many... Enjoy! -S”


He smiled.
Nodded his head like he always did when I acted like a child.
Gathered the pictures.
The umbrella.
And went in.

Behind the tree I smiled.
Shrugged like I always did when I wanted to say I cant help being this way.
Gathered my life.
My still existent love.
And walked away.

I am surprised sometimes with the different kinds of people that I end up hanging out with.
From creative individuals who critique movies to people who talk strong techie stuff! Both at times, I find hard to follow. But it is an interesting experience to try to understand different kinds of topics said in different tones and manners.

Well- spent-doing-nothing-days of bliss !

The best Sundays are those where you sit around doing nothing but are still happy and highly entertained.

X and I have spent quite a few Sundays together now in the past few months and they have been some of my best 'well-spent-doing-nothing' days.

Right now he is lazing on his bean bag watching both a cricket and a football match, answering my many questions related to both the matches patiently, giving me trivia from time to time. And sometimes I zone out of the match, asking about random things in the world.

Such randomness. Such bliss.
Happy Sundays to me ! :D

Misshapen trust and choices to be made...

I spent the entire last night worrying about how my life was turning out.
I was scared of falling in love. I was scared that I was going get massively hurt.
I wasn't angry at him. At first I thought I was. And then I realised that what I was really angry about was that suddenly someone had the power to hurt me. Someone had the power to break my heart. At such times one does begin to feel vulnerable and like a target for life to mess around with!

But at some point in the night when my hands were exhausted with all the things I was writing and all the many things I was thinking, I realised in a split second - that this was not a moment I had no control over. This was the moment of choice.

I had a choice. I could choose to stay there. Or I could leave.
I could let a mistake pass or I could claim this to be my breaking point. The truth was this wasn't my breaking point. Of course the trust I gave out blindly was shaken. But I hadn't reached that point yet. Some say that why wait to crash and burn. But I believe that sometimes we assume too much. And we tend to assume the worst. What are the chances that this might actually be something worth working around?
Honestly I had no answers.

For tonight I decided to stay. I held his hand and fell asleep in his arms.
For tonight I let the world call me naive. Maybe if life doesn't hit me in the stomach, my naivety may have saved me from throwing away something more valuable than I know. I think I'll give this love I feel for him, a chance and hope that I don't get the wind knocked out of me :)

BTW I got the sweetest advice from AT today. He asked me how I was in the morning and I just told him how confused I was feeling. Even though I didn't tell him why I was feeling this confused. I told him how I don't know what kind of a person should I be and how I felt like maybe I wasn't prepared for the world as the world needed someone more cold. To this, he said the most interesting thing. -

"The one thing that life has taught me is that when you let other people change you, one day, when they've all left you, you'll be staring at a stranger in the mirror. Be yourself, even if it is painful at times. Give people a second chance, but don't give them your sanity. You are genuine. That is a very hard quality to come by. And to preserve. Don't under-sell yourself. Have a beer. Sab theek ho jayega :P"

I specially loved the beer part. HA HA. Thank you AT! :)

I have no talent
I can sing. But I am average.
I can write. But I am average.
I am intelligent. But have no purpose.
I have dreams. But have no drive.

But I can love with an open heart. And I can recognise talent and appreciate it.
Maybe in today's world, THAT is a talent...

Understanding me...

It is an odd predicament.
The concept of commitment...

Met an older brother (cousin) tonight. A really really fun guy ! Had some super entertaining conversation and then somewhere the question of commitment popped up.
He exclaimed how it doesn't quite exist. Or rather how highly undefined this word is. Sadly (or maybe it isn't so sad - can't figure out my feelings about it yet) I couldn't disagree with him. I could not stand back and argue passionately about the existence of commitment like I used to a few years back.

I have, after all, become a person who has no trust issues simply because she has no reason to trust.

I have a shell. Actually a box. Many a times on this blog I have mentioned it. Earlier I used to run into that box to hide. It used to be a box with minimal decor and no place to sit. I used to crouch on the floor then, waiting for my personal storm to pass.

Today it is a well settled, nicely done box. It has all the things I need to settle into it comfortably. So now I casually stroll in anytime I want. I don't run. I walk in because I want to. Because I have nothing more to give to anyone and nothing at all to run from.

I am not cold. I am completely the opposite. But this trust of mine and this love I have, I don't intend to give out so soon. Love restricted to just mere words in moments of intensity or passing remarks, isn't love at all. It is just what everyone wants to hear. Or something that is said to make the self feel better.
Love that is displayed through actions and love that you can say 'I love you too' to is the real deal.

Maybe the sign that I have evolved comes from the fact that I am not afraid anymore that I may not find that real deal. I am not worried that I do not know what in the world does commitment mean.

And I am finally out of all the things in my mind I had to burn.

'When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire' (a line from the song 'Your ex-lover is dead' by the Stars :)

Blogs and people...

Discovering new blogs is like discovering new people.

Long time ago when I had just started this blog and it still had a funny blog address name, I used to read the blog of Da. I was in awe of him. One day I got the opportunity to see him in person. He was the Chair at a practice session of Model UN and I was a newbie participant. It was like a fan seeing her idol for the first time :D.
Da didn't know then that I used to read his blog on a regular basis. Eventually he started reading my blog too. And we became friends. From then on I think I have told him every single thought - abstract or rational - that has passed through my head. In ways I think he has seen me evolve as a human being.
He is still someone I admire. A man so sorted in the head that you might think he has lived a hundred years. :)
A man I will always looked up to.

Recently I have come across another blog which has left a deep impact. Again because she writes like a dream. She writes unpretentiously. I may never know the person but her words are like a mirror into who she might be. And sometimes words soothe a worried mind.

for my 24th year :)

I don't make resolutions.
I hate the entire thought of it.
But being such a contradiction, I do set some goals for myself on my birthday.
When we enter the 14th day of January, I turn 24 years old.
And I am far from what I thought I would be like when I was 14 :)
The 14 year old me would be both scandalized and proud of me if she saw me today!

So today I want to make a list of things I want to do and a list of rules I want to follow in my 24th year ! Some maybe too abstract but I am sure when the time comes I'll make sense of it :)

RULES
1. Have faith in myself.

This is something I should probably wake up in the morning and repeat to myself like a 100 times! A friend told me a few weeks back (and I am sure if my friend is reading, he would probably chuckle) about how I have confidence and I have content but I just don't have conviction. THAT is what I need ! I need to have some faith in who I am. Keeping oneself in check is one thing but what I tend to do is called bulldozing one's faith into a pulp and then a lil bit more just to make sure ! This has to change.

2. Rise above paranoia.

I am an optimistic person. But my optimism comes with truckloads of mentally crippling moments of 'what ifs' and 'worst case scenarios'. I HAVE to rise above that. YES it is possible that my boss may hate my presentation, might even say it is CRAP and YES it is possible that the man I am in love with may cheat on me.
But I cannot do anything beyond a point. I can work hard and create a presentation that I think is great. I can love honestly and if I find that my love has been compromised, I can walk out with dignity. But I cannot see the future (that too the most horrible one) and lose my sleep over it. That is just NOT the way to live.

3. LOVE every single thing I do.

If I am sitting and doing nothing, I need to love that.
I actually managed to do that quite a bit in my 23rd year. I set up a rented house in Bombay and LOVED every second of it. I walked around aimlessly and loved that too. I just need to continue doing that :)

4. Take chances.

Life is short. I know it sounds cliched but hell it is so true. And if I am the kind of person who feels the need to do too many things in this life well then I need to just go ahead and do it. YES I want to work with a developmental organisation working for social profit and YES I love advertising as well. This year will be about finding a balance and charting a plan to do both. Somewhere I will squeeze in my desire to learn photography, spanish, writing etc etc. PHEW. I have a LOT of work to do :)

5. Fall in love.

Love is a strong feeling. And I want to feel it. I want to feel the rush and the withdrawal. I want to rise high and fall far below. I want to get dizzy in romance and laugh myself silly. I think I am on my way to this :)
X, are u listening? ;)

6. Learn to appreciate.

This is a life long learning process for me. I have to learn to appreciate constantly the little things. Things my parents do. Things that other people do. Things that happen around me. There is alot to see and hold and love. All I need to do is keep my eyes and ears open !

7. Teach.

I discovered in my 23rd year that someday I would love to teach. And then I realised that I don't need to wait. Teaching and learning happen around us all the time. If someone needs to learn and I can help, then I will rise to the occasion. And I am sure there will always be someone around to teach me as well :)

8. Accept defeat.

Gut instincts aren't always right. I have learnt this the hard way. And I accept defeat. I will always accept my faults and failures. It is important to do so. It is important to say sorry.

9. Letting go.

This is the hardest rule. I have never let anyone go. NEVER. Not the first boy who broke my heart to pieces. Not the girl who I idolized but she crushed my confidence. Not the guy who led me on to believe many things but never followed through. I am friends with everyone. And happily so. But sometimes I have to understand that people don't want to know me anymore. That is when I should give them space and let go. I lost some very wonderful people from my life this past year and I just want to say to them I fought for you all but you all won.

10. Give space. Everyone doesn't want to share everything, everytime.

Every story has a reason and sometimes people don't want to share every story from a life before me. I should accept that and make myself understand that just because they don't want to share doesn't mean that they are hiding something.


NOW the fun to-do list

1. HAVE to buy that dslr already! no seriously!
2. NO postponing writing. write write write!
3. Stationery is never enough. got to get some more :P
4. PLEASE get that driver's license this year.*note to self*
5. I have to get healthy. Expanding in the way that I am will get me nothing but a bad heart (physically) and make me spend tons of money on clothes! So hitting the gym this year!
6. Have to see - Mcleodganj, Leh, Kerala and all the beaches in Maharashtra and Goa this year. THIS is super important!
7. I have to start singing again. :)

Okie as of now I think this is it. But I am sure I will keep adding more rules for myself as time goes by.

Happy Birthday to me! (In exactly 18.5 hours)

fear of being real, plague many... fear of accepting change, plague many... fear of acknowledging new events in their lives in a crowd, plague many...

And there are a few individuals who have no patience for this category of 'many'.