It is 930 pm and I am at work.No. I am not dying under tons of unfinished presentations. I am actually just sitting and waiting for a friend to get done with work so that we can meet. Strange turn of events really. There used to be a time when I was in Pune. When the two of us were in college. There was no waiting. We would decide - let's go have tea at NCC canteen. And poof! We were there!And now... we haven't met properly in 3 months... maybe more. I don't like this part of growing up. Becoming partners of other people, getting overly engrossed in work, spending weekends in a daze because the week was too hard. I don't like it because I have started ignoring some people who have contributed to who I am today.Specially Ree. I need to meet her more often. I feel like a part of me has become lost in the chaos of growing up. Random plans are not made as often as they should be. I am not even meeting new people.This has to change. And I have to write. :)

Random post about stuff I learnt in 2012 :P

I turned 25 and I wanted to write a long post about all the things that I think I have learnt. I wanted to write about what I think turning 25 is all about because honestly it seems like it is a big deal. Strangely I have hardly been able to write a word. All my thoughts are in this big huge bowl looking like mashed potatoes. I feel like 2012 just whooshed by and I haven't sat down and sifted through all the events of last year to really feel anything.  

I moved to Bombay middle of 2011. But life really started in 2012. And it has been like a roller coaster ride (cliched I know...). But here is a basic list of the things I learnt/realised/discovered etc...

You will mess up royally when you will - there is no age when people stop making mistakes so you will make some of your own from time to time - so cut yourself some slack!

I hurt a guy with a bright soul but lost eyes. And he reacted in a manner that hurt me too. Pretty much haven't met him all of 2012. But the worst thing was that I lost a few friends who I still consider inspirations.

I got a job but I am still broke.

Trusted too much - got massively soul crushingly hurt. But learnt some life shaping lessons.

Gave a second chance - which so far has not proved to be a mistake of epic proportions.

Fell in love - in a way I define love.

Travelled a lot and that has probably been the highlight of 2012 for me.

Realised that some of my principles and beliefs needed a little tweaking.

I learnt, sadly, that I live in a country that is not very accepting of who I am. I mean as a woman I live in a bubble of false security.

Being educated and being literate are two very very different things.

People can judge and people will judge - mercilessly - and there is no escape from that. Everyone does not need to like me. There is only so much one can do.

Thin people can get fat so one shouldn't just assume - oh I will never ever gain weight! And working out  is really REALLY boring.

Parents get older as you do... so call back and reply to texts - and to make life easier just introduce family to Whatsapp!

Loving food is a legitimate hobby and I am proud to list it as one - THANK YOU people who tweet about food and review food - I love you people.

I hate the word 'quirky' and am finally ok with being called 'sweet'.

Letting go is important but some grudges should be maintained.

Always - ALWAYS - have a contingency plan in place for everything in life.

You can only love someone truly when you learn to love yourself - accepting the baggage that you carry.

There are some people who are there for life - so never forget to thank them. There are also some people who you meet suddenly but they feel like you know them for a long time - cherish them - specially the female friends. Girlfriends show up - no matter what.

Don't say or do things that will make you hate yourself later - basic stuff that one forgets.

Drunk dialing is bad. Drunk texting is worse. AVOID.

Make some more mistakes - you are just 25. 

2012 was a year of drama... of meeting some people who looked like clones of some of my Delhi friends... of being lost but trying to be happy... and of finding a way to be ok with being THAT lost. I had not imagined my 25 to be like this. I had stupidly assumed that by now I would have all the answers - who I am, what my purpose in life is, who I wish to become etc. That was stupid. But I am glad it didn't turn out according to plan. Where is the fun in that right? :)

You
Me
And random limericks

I like being anonymous. Why? Because it lets me express without the fear of feeling judged. Since I was a kid I have felt incredibly uncomfortable in the critical gaze of people who may know me very little but assume  that they have the right and the capability to judge me.
I can deal with people I know well. I can deal with people who are strangers. But the worst are the kinds who know you partially through stories and myths and people. They have the liberty to create an image of you the way they want to see it. Ideally I should be a strong individual and not care. Unfortunately, from time to time the insecure 15 year old in me takes over. And at those times I care a lot. But this time I have decided to continue the way I do and let them judge. It is ok.

I write the way I do. I am not an accomplished writer and I do not claim to be one. I do not promote this blog.

My anonymity has been compromised and that is my fault. Some close friends had the link and passed it on. Now people who hardly know me are judging my writing style and calling me theatrical.

Thank you. I am glad you came to my blog and took time out to read. But since my writing capabilities do not match your reading standards, I am assuming you have moved on.

I don't think it was important for me to post this but I had to do it anyway.

Between

Between you and me
There is someone else.
Peeking, prying, waiting.
For me to look away
For you to stumble
For us to
Give up.

Who will blink first?

Him and Her

He was an alpha achiever. Smart. Good looking. Successful. All at the age of 27.

She was ambitious. Pretty. A smile that everyone raved about. With potential to be successful. And 24.

They made quite the couple – everyone said. At least everyone who knew they were dating.

He was admired and envied. And she was fun to talk to – always striking up conversations with strangers. They were both out to change the world. Together – it seemed.

She was sentimental. She loved taking care of him… Pandering to his whims… Celebrating his successes... Always ready to bend her stubbornness to make him smile. She wasn’t easy - Of course not.  She could be moody – at times like a dark grey cloud hovering over him. But still she tried. And it seemed he was happy. Didn’t he say so every day?

He was out to make her happy. He dropped her to work. Picked her up after work. He planned trips out of town with her. After all she loved traveling just as much as he did. He was attempting to be monogamous. She was appreciative of it. ‘I mean how many men can manage that in today’s times’, she told herself.

‘As long as he is honest’, she repeated in her head. ‘As long as he is honest…’

They were the golden couple. Her friends loved him. His friends were fond of her.

But then… why did he have this distant longing in his eyes? A longing for what… Friends? Or was he looking for companionship? Was she not proving to be a good companion? She rejoiced in his every success. And supported his every decision. They loved traveling and participated in each other’s interests.

So then... Why? Why could she not shake that feeling that this wasn’t enough for him? That somewhere he had come to believe that the right thing to do was to be by her but in reality he felt so far away.

She had decided not to snoop. She had sworn to herself that she will stop. But today she couldn’t. She had woken up with a horrible feeling. A feeling of confusion. A feeling she was not able to shake off.

He went for a shower. They were planning to go out into town. Grab a couple of beers. ‘It is a date’, he said and she was excited. They were so used to chilling together that dates weren’t really something they went for.

He went for a shower and she went for his phone.

Private messages.

**** she typed in the password. It seemed easy. Maybe he wanted her to be able to open it.

There it was.

At first she couldn’t sense anything wrong.

And then she felt it. She figured who she was.

That beautiful innocent girl. The one who would advise him not to drink so much.

‘Him: I miss you btw

Her: I miss you too.’

It felt like a weight had been lifted. She had finally found the answer.

 He was unhappy. Maybe not unhappy. But definitely not content. He wasn't looking for a friend. He was looking for a companion.

She realized then that she had dragged him too far. And without knowing she had cut him off from finding that companion. Who was she to ask him to pick her. Who was she to make him feel like he had wronged her. How had she managed to manipulate him like that. They had never really had a real relationship. The Girl had always been around. The Girl was equally entitled to his affections. And she had dragged him away.

‘How far can we go to keep this up while you lose out on finding the real ‘one’ for you?’, she wondered.

She should have left of course. Let him lose. But she couldn't do it today. She needed him to accept his desire to find a companion, before she left. So that he didn't repeat the cycle again. The cycle of living in denial.

He needed saving. She just needed his love for a little longer.

They went and drank those beers.

And suddenly there were two people with distant dark eyes.

Reasons

Too liberal.
Too sweet.
Too distant.
Too sweet.
Not crazy enough.
Crazy.
Too real.
Not mysterious enough.
Kid.
Sorry...
Too distant.
Too close.
Not you.
.
..
...
..
.
Boring.

The Dirty Word

There is a dirty word.
A word that is more taboo than most words really.
A word, when you discover, most automatically pushes you into denial.
We say - aaah it is the affliction of the mighty - it can't possibly be true for me.
I mean I am young and finding my feet and part of the growing middle class in urban India right?
This dirty word is only for the rich and famous. Maybe the rich and famous in the America or maybe the emotional romanticised Europe.
Not us. Not you. Not me.
We don't know this word. If we bump into it, we ignore it.
We brush it behind beautiful poetry and cryptic syllables.

Depression is a dirty word.

I think most urban young people of my generation are still dealing with breaking out of conservative moral codes to actually worry about depression. There is no time you see.
Women hide behind - 'oh I must be pmsing'. While men call it the stress of the job.
But is it really just that?

Also there is this imagery that the concept of depression carries in our heads. Psychiatrists. Pills. Crazy people. How I wish it were that simple and easy to figure out?
Sadly it isn't.
It is complex and has degrees.

I have ignored my moods and bouts of sadness for years. Lately I decided to change my plan.
I face it. I tell Ree. I inform. I write about it. I analyse it till Depression itself gets tired.
I look it in the eye and say that to a certain degree feeling like this is ok. I do that so I know that I need to reach out if it gets to a degree beyond normal.

I will not run from you. I will embrace you. Maybe then we'll find a way to make you clean again.

Stranded

I chuckle everytime I see the Captcha (I may have misspelled this) ask me to prove I am not a robot.

I guess I am not one. I breathe. I eat. I sleep. I drink. I throw up. I laugh. I cry.

But lately I feel like one. I have nothing to do. I don't have a job yet. No one wants a 'just two years work ex' planner. No one wants to hire the young girl. So everyday I walk around doing the expected things. I apply to more places. Meet more people. Call home and convince them I am ok. I smile. I make conversation.
I keep repeating - I am ok. I am great.

I have realised that writing about failures in Love is so much easier. You always know that Love may be a losing game and is not in your control.

But writing about personal setbacks in your life plan is so much more difficult. I had a plan. Even though I know plans sometimes do not work out but I still had one. Suddenly that plan has gotten erased and I feel stranded. In a city with so many people I feel alone. Not because there is lack of support but because I never thought I would ever reach a point where I would need so much support. So I run from meeting my friends as I don't want to answer the questions. I avoid meeting E if I have a terrible day because I know I will rub it off on him.

And I refuse to go home, to Delhi, before I have something because the thought of walking into that city without a job here is a thought too difficult to bear.

Sometimes my roommate and I talk about our current situation. She says that one day we will look back at all this and savour the fact that we had to struggle to get what we want. I want to believe her. My other alternative is to believe that I failed and that maybe I chose the wrong path. THAT alternative would leave me no where.

Stranded on my personal misery island.

Thud

Hitting rock bottom isn't instant.
It is painfully slow.
You think you are there... only to realise you are still falling.
Much like falling in love I suppose.

Love is a free fall. And sometimes you look up and see that you are the only one experiencing it...