Clean breaks and Lost innocence...

I am always in a hurry.
I always want to know everything about someone.
I need to investigate... inquire... scratch beneath the surface...

I am afterall a very open person.
But it struck me that maybe sometimes people don't want to open up instantly. They don't want you to know so soon the past moments in their lives. The moments of intense joy. And specially the moments when they felt that they couldn't go on anymore.

There are things too that I don't talk about. That I never want to even think about.
Maybe we all deserve a clean break from the past sometimes.
Is it wrong to have a fresh start and let the past be?

I got a weird message today from a man from my past. A long time ago he meant the world to me. And I felt sad knowing how much I had changed over the years.
I used to be more of a believer then.
I believed him with all my heart and innocence.
And I believed in love. The simple uncomplicated feeling of love.

Is that innocence lost now?
Have I seen too much to believe again?

Now people tell me how fragile the concept of Love and commitment is nowadays.
And I realise that maybe what I am looking for doesn't even exist.
It has stopped bothering me now. I have accepted and have gotten lost in this changing world.

the world that I don't understand.

About the place where I grew up - Delhi

I want to write about you.
Put your layers in words.
I need a place to start.
Something for the middle
And the end too is unclear.
But still
I want to write about you.
The way you dance
Under dim lights
Of foggy nights.
The way you cruise
On hot summer afternoons.
The way you hurt
The darkness of your dirt
Your alleys and corners
The open spaces hiding secrets.
I want to expose you
And your every single scar.
You are trapped aren’t you?
In the mindset of the migrants?
You are trapped in myths
And stereotypes built over years.
Your daughters feel trapped too.
Words and rules trap them
The wandering stares
And nimble hands violating
Their exposed bodies, trap them.
They will run one day.
But you already know that,
Don’t you?
Your daughters will leave,
One by one.
But wherever they go
They will always be looking
Over their shoulders.
Scared and submissive.
You didn’t prepare them
You forgot to teach them
How to live, how to grow.
I want to write about
Your failed role as a father.
I want to write about how
Loving you is natural,
But hating you is natural too.

quote

This is the first quote I come across in the morning and I am a little 'hit in the face' by it... Think I will post something about it later... But as of now check out the quote!


"A border can be drawn on a map only after it is first drawn on human hearts."
- Anonymous

The funny story of the millionth Heartbreak.

Hearts get broken all the time. Or at work sometimes I think I got the worst deal.

Many days I just look upwards and exclaim (to what I presume is god but in reality is just the roof) in the most dramatic manner going - ‘WHY ME!’ (my head also plays dramatic background music when I do that)

I do all that and more (I am quite the drama queen and very innovative that ways)

In the middle ofcourse I distract myself with lots of alcohol and drunk dialing/texting. Topping all that with drunk lamenting about how I should have been born in a different generation.
And blah and some more blah.

But sometimes just when I think the world couldn’t be a more messed up place, I hear of a friend delivering a new baby girl. A lil bundle of cuteness whose pic itself is dreamy :)

I remember how, this friend I have, waited for more than an hour to pick me up for a party knowing about my conveyance issues while another was brave enough to ask my Dad if I could get permission for a party that hadn't even been planned yet :P (no harm in being prepared I was told)

I remember the baby brother, who is discovering love for the first time, telling me about the girl he plans to ask out.

I remember the 3 am BB message from a beautiful friend of mine who told me that I need to smile so that the world can smile back at me. She gave me the simplest advice that touched my heart :)

I remember that there is a biker cool dude who believes in die hard romantics like us and when I am losing faith cheers me up! (All is not lost for the fools like us huh?)

I remember the red and yellow wall that waits for me in Bombay. The wall I am supposed to fill with memories and more stories of the life in a new city. A city I don't have to leave anymore it seems :)

Just when I feel like crap, I remember the mail from an old flame who tells me how beautiful I am. Who tells me why he thinks I am worth some bloke’s time (WHAT a sweet mail that was ‘freak’ ) :)

The drama of heart break and bad days carries on for us. Sometimes we find what we’re looking for and sometimes we don’t. But most of the times we walk out with some damn good stories to talk about.

I think my Grand kids would be highly entertained :P

Dogs snore!

My dog snores.
Not the cute 'grunty' kinds.
But the LOUD truck kinds.

He snores with all insane strength and if woken up in the middle of his snoring, seems quite pleased with itself.

I really did not know dogs snore!

Minor

It is a minor fall
From your graces.
It is the demise
Of your enthusiasm.
Once more I blow out
My candles in the air.
It is a minor
Heartache.
No big deal.
Really!
It is just a joke,
And I laugh with you.
I sit across you
And sip bitter rum.
Toast to the start
And the finish.
It is a minor
Addition to my cynicism.
It is minor.
Really!

surviving a new city

living with people is not easy. Living in a new city is not easy. And waking up in the morning is not easy. Actually that is the toughest! *facepalm*

Bombay is a crazy interesting at times scary place.
But this ride is turning out to be something. :)

additions to my blue box

For nights that don't end
For moments that last a lifetime
For sigh's that remain in the eyes long after they've escaped the lips
For the but's and the maybe's
For the many mistakes and then apologies
For the rants and the reactions
For the pursuing and leaving and pursuing again
For being asked to leave
For the stars and the similes and metaphors
For the music and the origin of it all
For never letting you feel the chaos
For always letting you feel the after effects
For the dreams and the process of building them
For our perfectly imperfect world
For when I don't understand
For all the times I understand to the last word
For holding on and letting go
For all these and much more

I apologize and then I don't...
These are trapped in my box of memories now... These are part of my blue box...
I shall visit them often... Reminisce about happy times and the worst times... Always with a smile...
Raise my glass to your patience and to your beliefs... And a new beginning...

the star

The madness ends
The star has, with mutual agreement, stopped shining...
I behaved erratically... I behaved like a person that I wasn't... Thankfully I know that that wasn't me.. though for a while I thought maybe that was the real me...

Hopefully I will be forgiven... Hopefully I will be seen as a human being capable of making mistakes... Or maybe it will never be normal again...

I apologise...

The game...

It is a game...
I am on the losing side today.. Tonight I am going to crash and burn...
But my day to win shall come...
Not tomorrow... Not day after... Not for a long time...

But one day... Till then I will gracefully accept my defeat... And my mistakes..

sometimes when we walk back, the milestone has left...

In the words of the great Da who summarized my situation very well and kinda gave words to what the star was saying to me all along - 'Love me now, for I may wait no longer'

I just forgot to listen...

Blank

I feel like a blank page...
But no... You can't write on me anymore...
with your bright green pen... You can't put your thoughts on my pages anymore...

I have torn the pages away where you wrote earlier... I tore the pages and burnt them... saw the ash fly away into the dark night while I made smoke rings in the air...

I wish I was a slate... I could've just wiped away your words then...

somedays ....

The thing about accepting that it is over is that you never react to it the same way everyday...

Somedays you are okie... somedays you are hysterically crying yourself to sleep.. somedays you are writing angry handwritten letters (you know the ones you never mail) asking him why he didn't understand when I said 'if we keep doing this over a distance, we will waste our chance'... somedays I hear that he is out with her watching a play or a movie and laughing over beers and wonder why I never got a chance to do all that.. ohh wait.. that is because I was not in the same city as him!

Somedays I think when I am infront of him, he will realise that he still is crazy about me and come back ! and then I realise - he is seeing someone else who he thinks is awesome...

Most days I am fine... Most days I am busy...
It is that moment in the lonely hours of the night when you have nothing to occupy your mind but this that I lose all courage... lose all faith.. and go crashing down into a dark disgusting slimy pit of self pity...

But then.. I realise that things couldve been worse...

He is happy.. he has someone...
Maybe my mistakes led him to someone who will love him forever... who am I to argue with fate? :)

Maybe I was a stepping stone for him to meet the ONE! and if I was then I am happy :)

The star shines for her tonight while I shine for him... sometimes you have to be happy for happiness in general :)

The study

When I first met you, I hadn't seen you... I had read about you...
And every word about you trapped me in a state of extreme curiousity... who were you? why were you like this? were you really like this or just the author's imagination? was your personality being exaggerated? were you really THAT passionate?

I am addicted... first to the words and now to you...

I will find you... look for the words in your expressions... I will validate the theories...

Don't leave yet... the study isn't over...

ya ya this is fiction.. Atleast partly.. It is called RANT!

Does anyone know what being stabbed feels like? Or falling of a 100th floor of a building? I don't know.. But I imagine, it must be excruciatingly slow pain that follows post the stab or before u hit the ground...
Right now I feel a thousand times more pain than that. Trapped in a cage where I can scream for hours without anyone hearing anything... I feel like I have ceased to exist.. I am merely a barely visible speck on people's minds..

I came to the star on the ceiling and it stopped shining for me...
now I set myself on fire... Bit by bit.. in search of the light and warmth that escapes me...

I was standing on the edge... And I did a great job pushing myself over it... Falling and falling into nothing.. It just doesnt end...

*self destruct mode activated*

I wrote you my life

I wrote you my life

In bits and pieces..
Through words and rhymes...
On the sides of notebooks and blank postcards...

I wrote you my life

One by one I spilled my secrets
All dreams and desires
All circles and stars and broken glasses


And I wrote you my life

I wrote you my smiles
I wrote you my loneliness
I wrote you my tears and broken hearts

I still write to you

Under stars on a pitch black night
Sometimes on a beach with crystal blue water
On the balcony in my corner in this complicated city

I wrote you my life and I write to you of days that haven't seen me yet...
But today I threw all these in the air and they floated away like lost petals of a dried flower

I hope they float to you..
If you read them someday, do reply...

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a question

Is it easier to write about love than to talk about it?

goodnight

goodnight to the ones who forget...
goodnight to the ones who are just words...
goodnight to the heart and everything that comes with it...

People have lost the plot !

we work in Advertising and NO we are NOT fighting a war.. Doing a job with sincerity is one thing but to be made to believe that it will be the end of the world if something goes wrong is stretching it! People have seriously lost the plot.. I repeat we work in the business of making Ads and selling stuff.. we don't rid the world of social evils yet, through advertising.. We're not doctors or soldiers.. They are the ones with the real stress.. So stop taking stress or giving stress that will end up killing you with a nervous breakdown !
GOD!

When did it all become about this? quantity over quality??
When did work become more important than life itself?? And the beauty of what life has to offer?When did work become life? It makes me sad to see amazing human beings feeling trapped in stress brought on by things that they loved before and love now..

We have lost perspective about what is important in life.. We have lost what brought smiles on our faces.. We have lost inspirations and the desire to look beyond the banalities of everyday life..

NO it is NOT the end of the world..
The world might just end one day when countries start nuking each other.. And THAT is when we will realise that while we sat and stressed over the business we were getting and the awards we were winning, - the world got nuked, we forgot about love and mount everest got leveled before you could fulfil that dream of your's to climb it..

Wake up.. there is a world outside you refuse to acknowledge.. Experiences you are pushing away for tomorrow.. A tomorrow which is far from your control..Seriously go climb everest before it is underwater or nuked!

soon! :)

I am going to write about places soon..
will also write about books... and happiness.. and sadness... and nothingness and a lil bit of randomness... soon :)

Goa and AT :)

I just spent super amazing three days in Goa...
Went for Goafest and sure the fest was pretty good but it was really just the feel of being in Goa that blew my mind away... I spent crazy number of hours just at the beach being quiet and happy... calm and completely feeling loved...
sound of waves and the sight of the neverending ocean feels like home..

Met a special person AT and he has very warm eyes... sad warm eyes...

Beaches have a magical effect on me... while I am around water and sand, my mind stops being on an overdrive.. :)

spoken word poetry

I have just discovered the joys of spoken word poetry and I just can't get enough! all I want now is to hear some live.. so anyone who knows any place in delhi where I can go and hear some live poetry, PLEASE tell me !! please please !! :)))

I am posting a link of the video of this amazing poet Sarah Kay... YOU will fall in love with her :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuAbGJBvIVY

R ki shaadi hai! :D

Life around me is in such a crazy hurry!
Things around me are changing so fast.. and some changes I absolutely love...

R is getting married!! :)
The catalyst of change.. the man child is getting married!
When he told me there was this insanely stupid smile on my face that refused to leave my face for hours.. It feels like I have spent ages being friends with R and to see him so content and happy fills my heart with a childish happy warmth.. And ofcourse I looooooooooooooove WEDDINGS!

I have a fascination for weddings.. the stories behind the couple meeting and finally deciding to marry.. the look on their faces when they are getting engaged.. and I love the way the groom looks at his bride.. with all the love and pride in his eyes.. :)

Here's wishing R and S the most amazing life together ! :D.. love you both so much!

I am now used to being a second choice.
HAHA.. life.. I think you can do better than this.. try something new.. you are starting to become predictable with your tricks..

paying the price

it is a room with a star on the ceiling.. And a man sits there with my tiny hands clasped in his big soft firm hands..
But when he looks into my eyes, I realise that I do not deserve the warmth in his eyes..

I am wrong and I will pay the price..

Crush my wings

Crush my wings.
Lose the key.
Burn the maps.
I don't want to ever find you back.


For the majority part of my life I have been in love with the idea of being in love.
I have never tried to understand what it really means.

This past year I have tried to analyse the concept.. I have made a brilliant fool of myself. I have drunk dialed.. drunk messaged.. cried.. begged... been ridiculous..
All in the name of love.

And one day I realized (after being humiliated again for the 100th time) that love may be hard and needs effort, but hell this is not love.. I was not mistaken when I saw the most amazing feeling of warmth in his eyes.. He was not faking the grip when he held my hand with certainty.. But he is not lying either when he throws me out of his life every single time.

I know I am persistent. It is part of my personality to be such. I invade. Literally. I dig my way in especially when I am asked not to be there. May be it is an ego thing. No idea.

But my persistent efforts just made me look worst than ever. I wished to disappear. I felt 16 again :P

This past year has made me look at me and the entire idea of attachments in a different way.
I have always thanked every single man who has walked into my life. They have all taught me something. And even this one did. I will never know why we would always get stuck in the same cycle. But maybe I am not meant to know every single thing in life.

(so many maybes ) :P

Your perfume

Your perfume.
Mixed with the smell of what makes you.
I can smell it now.
As you walk past me like I am merely a shadow of my former self, I can smell it.

Your perfume.
Brings back memories of chilly nights.
Brings back memories of your long fingers trapped in mine.

Your perfume.
It would wrap itself around me when you took me in your arms.
And stay with me long after you weren't wrapped around me anymore.

Your perfume.
You walked in and walked out on me everyday.
But it stayed with me for a moment longer soothing me in my loneliness.


Your perfume.
It seems was a truer companion than you were.
It understood things you refused to see in the darkness.

Your perfume.
It is like oxygen to me.
My existence without it seems unlikely.

So walk past me again.
Walk through me if required.
I don't exist anymore.
I can't remember what I was.
I need your perfume to bring me back.

Weak and without faith

I know I want to call you. Hear your sweet drawling voice. I want to hear lines that just appear on your lips but sound like I was always meant to hear them..
Hear you sing... hear you breath..

But.
If I call. Every moment I will wish you were here. And every moment I will wish I was there. Every moment will be just a wish.. Nothing more and nothing less.

This is a trap.
A trap I am setting for you and me. And I am a coward. A fool.
Because I have no strength to fight for you.
I know this feeling. And more than that I know me. I know I will run. I will run even if I knew you would never let me down. I will still run because I don't want to find out if you will...

I am weak. And empty now. I used to be a believer once. But not anymore. Not today.
Today I am weak and today I should be alone.
For if I don't love me how can I let you love me?

I will run today. Run till I can't breath anymore.. Run with your voice in my heart. I will run till I have a reason to stop running. And if somehow I stop running and have faith again. I will turnaround and walk back. Walk back to the last moment of you and me. If you are around I will find you.

But who knows about tomorrow. Today I did what had to be done.
Today I said the clichéd lines - can we just be friends??

Reckless

I need to keep moving..
I think I thought that I needed something stable in my life but I think I have fallen in love with my own instability.

I am volatile. I am impulsive. And my desire to be reckless isn't over yet.
Let me leave now. Let me fall again. Let me feel the impulse to jump.
Let me feel alive again.

A dog is never just a dog

Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he’s *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That’s like saying, “He can’t climb that mountain, he’s just a man”, or “That’s not a diamond, it’s just a rock.” Just. ~J.M. Barrie

A dog is never just a dog... A dog is I believe the only creature who has the power to be everything for a human... It plays every single role in your life to perfection... It is your baby... sometimes your guardian... other times your best friend, who makes sure you get the exercise you've not been getting in the gym :P

I have come back home from work at crazy hours... and it doesnt matter when I walk in, he's right there sitting and waiting for me. I have walked in ecstatic at times and he has jumped with joy for me.. I have walked in heartbroken, crying and he has sat with his head on my lap lightly licking my hand to remind me that no matter what he loves me...

My love doesnt ever smother him ... he never needs space from me.. no... he never misunderstands me... he welcomes me.. he welcomes everyone.. he doesnt care if your smart or dumb or have a diffferent point of view... he doesnt care... he cares about me. he cares about you. Period. :)

(This post is inspired by what I read here.. I love this blog... Dog with Blog )

Bitch about bloggers .. please do.. :P

whenever people bitch about bloggers and call us 'pseudo intellectuals' 'fake writers' etc etc.. it fills me with this odd sense of pleasure..

I really want to know how does one define a fake or original writer? I want his/her character profile..

I don't claim to be a writer neither can I ever be one.. what is my blog and the things I write here for me? They are my way of venting...
some listen to good music.. some watch movies.. and some find their close circle of friends and rant about life...
I write.. I vent here.. And it is the best feeling in the world..

No.. I am not a writer.. I am a 23 yr old girl trying to learn how to be a woman and most importantly a slightly sane human being :)

The best part is that if you don't like what you read here, you can move to another web page.. You didn't spend money on getting to read this blog.. :P

Loads of love anyways :))