I am desperately trying to recount everything that happened last evening.. I am desperately trying recount every word that left my mouth... And I am exhausted...

I have fucked things up and I dont completely think I am wrong... I want to go back to pune... I want my friends P, U, M, C, G, Swas and shreeya... I want to hide myself in P's blanket and have him laugh at my stupidities... I want C to tell me that I am overreacting and behaving like a blonde... I want M to sympathesize and G to make fun of me... I want them to crack nasty jokes and I want to throw a tantrum... I want to dance with U and C and see the sunrise... I want Swas to come back... I don't want Swas to leave... I want shreeya to convince me about things I have stopped believing in.. I never should have left Pune.. I am still the caterpillar and I was forced out of my cocoon... I am not ready... I don't understand people and their sentiments... And I don't understand when to talk and when to shut up... I need my guys who didn't care... who understood my follies and loved me anyways... who made me cry and made me laugh but never left me...

I am alone the second time round... And I feel the same pain... the same pain I felt when you left the first time... I am not smart enough or strong enough to deal with this... I am not intelligent enough to understand why you've left... My head is buzzing with static...

I need my guys and Swas... or I WILL go insane... there is nothing for me here in Delhi... Nothing at all... and I HATE THIS PLACE...

Crash and Burn

No... She wasn't dreaming. It was as real as it could get...

The rains weren't just washing down the dust off the dry windows of this oddly functioning aircraft, they were also washing out the guilt. She was done playing games. She was done giving excuses. She was done making him wait.
But she didn't want to accept just yet the fact, that he wasn't waiting anymore..
And that she was looking for him anyways.

This was wrong. Wrong on so many levels. And yet she needed to be there.. Next to him. Even if he was going to look away. She needed his presence around her being. He was her drug and she didn't want to quit just yet. He gave her a reason to look ahead.

This was wrong. This was something that was going to push her into a deeper abyss, as if it were even possible to fall further. But she knew...

He was worth it.. worth it all...

If only's did cross her mind but she promised herself to not think of the what if's... or fantasize about the possibility of something more...

Taylor Swift's song white horse started playing in the iPod just then...
'I am not a princess.. This aint a fairy tale...'

She smiled at the aptness of these words... She smiled at knowing how well aware she is about her life. And yet how out of control everything seems to be...
She wasn't the loser here. She wasn't the victim... She was just not ready.
She wasn't ready, she felt, to stop this process.. to stop this chaos....

She was rambling again... And this time she decided not to stop. She hadn't talked for a while now and she needed to let it out...
Even if she was talking to herself.

The flight landed. Finally. It was still raining.

And there he was. Standing. He was here as a distant memory. An obligation.
But today was not the day to accept this. Today was not the day to walk into rehab and quit him.
Today she was just going to enjoy his presence and fall...

No... there was no one to catch her.
And yes... she just wanted to know how far can she fall before she crashes and burns...

I have so much to write... and yet I really don't know how to start... :)